Weekly Blog

Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom

Teresa McBean 2/22/18 Teresa McBean 2/22/18

What is spirituality anyway?

Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5, NRSV

We talk about spirituality a lot, but we don't often define it. It's not an easy concept to define. Our starting point, in a Christian framework, is that spirituality is fundamentally our participation in God's spirit. God invites us into his community, he has gifted us his spirit, that spirit leads us, guides us, and transforms us.

Spirituality, as a reality, begins with God and travels down to us. It does not originate somewhere inside of us, it ends up there. Spirituality is not just a matter of spiritual disciplines- it is the lifeblood of a relationship between God and his people. It does not merely bring us peace and calm, but character and hope.

Over the next few days we're going to discuss some of the key ingredients in a thriving spiritual existence.

Teresa McBean 2/21/18 Teresa McBean 2/21/18

A Prayer for Wednesday

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Last week we talked about change, bravery, trust, receiving feedback and the skill set of relational reciprocity. Can we pause to admit that change is not easy? Can we agree with Brene’ that it often requires us to challenge long held perspectives and rules which our family system has propagated for generations?

In their book Rooted In God’s Love, Dale and Juanita Ryan speak to this very topic (pp.134-135) and offer a prayer, here it is:

Lord, it isn’t just me

that I am trying to change.

I am up against

generations of dysfunction.

An empty way of life

has dominated my family for a long time.

It has been passed down to me.

No wonder it seems so hard to change.

I need your help, Lord.

Help me to find hope

in your understanding of my struggle.

Help me to find hope in your gift of redemption.

AMEN

I pray this for you; I ask you to pray this for me. Together, we carry on.

Teresa McBean 2/20/18 Teresa McBean 2/20/18

Learning to be Reciprocal

Here are some things I have learned about reciprocity. As a review, reciprocity can happen when folks are in relationship with one another AND they have worked out respectful, reasonably safe, and helpful ways of giving one another feedback. This feedback, in theory, can help all parties learn and grow. In reciprocal relationships either party is in a position to learn at all times.

To return to an earlier example. Perhaps I write something on our blog and someone I have a reciprocal relationship with reads it and says, “Wow, I don’t think Teresa loves Jesus.” In reciprocity, they come over to my house or office with a latte and say, “When I read your blog post, I thought to myself - I don’t think Teresa loves Jesus.”

This gives me the PRIVILEGE of saying, “Well, this is so great to hear. What did I say that gave you that impression?” And they tell me. And then they get the privilege of hearing my reasoning behind what I said and my thoughts on my love for Jesus. It’s a big win win. The air is cleared. We move forward.

Now, there are some important principles to consider:

It is not ok to tell someone else what they feel or think or believe. This is huge. So if my friend asks me if I love Jesus, and I say yes, my friend is free to tell me why I confused her with my blog post on that point, but she is NOT free to tell me I do not love Jesus. See the difference?
This works best if there is trust and respect in a relationship. Honestly, I will have a different response depending on who brings the feedback. If my son tells me I do not love Jesus, seeing as how we work together and live as a close knit family - Geez, I am going to be inclined to believe him! And then I, being a person who wants to love Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul and strength, will ask for help in learning how to love Jesus more. See how that works? He has CREDIBILITY.
Even if someone does not have a large repository of trust in my relationship bank gives me unsolicited feedback (because I won’t go asking for feedback from someone I fundamentally do not trust, because that would just be silly), I can still treat them with respect. I will probably respond quite differently to the feedback, but my core values invite me to treat everyone respectfully. Make sense?

How do these ideas impact the way you relate to others? Any insights?

Teresa McBean 2/19/18 Teresa McBean 2/19/18

Pointing out other people's problems can be costly

In our community we work hard to be students in the field of addiction and recovery. Our community was founded on the big dream that families suffering from addiction, abuse, trauma and mental health issues needed a safe place to explore spirituality that suits their unique needs. We felt there were many wonderful worshiping communities that supported the perspective that “Every day with Jesus is better than the day before.” We wanted to be a place where it would be ok to say, “My life sucks; I want to know what God has to say about that.” Recently we were presented with the idea that calling another person an “addict” or “alcoholic” is shaming. We offered families new language and suggested they try on this phrase, “My loved one suffers from a substance use disorder.” My Lord, you would have thought we had suggested that the Pope wasn’t Catholic. Change is hard. People pushed back. Folks in recovery said, “Hey, I’m not ashamed; I identify with the label addict/alcoholic, whatever my ism is. Why pretty it up?” Family members said, “Hey, it took me ten years to acknowledge his/her addiction, are you suggesting that I pretend they AREN’T ADDICTED?” Plenty of frustration and attitude came with the feedback - until I offered further explanation. So the next time I pitched this idea, I said all the usual blah blah blah of new language and shame reduction, and then I said this: “Hey, it’s like this. If I ask my husband: do I look fat in this outfit? And he responds yes - that’s on me. I own the fact that he responded to my feedback request. BUT IF HE SAYS WITHOUT MY SOLICITING INPUT, ‘Babe, your backside is the size of Texas.’ Life at the McBean house is going to get very chilly.”

Everyone went, “Oh.” And from that day forward, there was no pushback.

Here’s the principle: we are a community that practices reciprocity. We are usually a fairly safe place to tell the truth. I introduced a new concept but didn’t explain it clearly. They taught me that I needed to improve my communication. We kept working together and ultimately they showed me how I could illustrate a pretty big recovery point: There are things we can (and arguably should) say about ourselves but are not as ok with having said about us.

Reciprocity is a way to learn how to help us all grow up without a side order of growing resentful. Do you have skills that make reciprocity possible? What skills might those be?

Stay tuned...

Teresa McBean 2/18/18 Teresa McBean 2/18/18

Reciprocity

Humility and the willingness to change our minds is a gift. I want to be the person who can listen to feedback and learn from it. But there is a distinction between receiving feedback and paying attention to harsh criticism from strangers (or people who you know do not know you even if they have met you). It’s like that old quote about porn, I may not be able to define it but I recognize it when I see it. And in this way, there is a sometimes intangible but distinct difference between feedback and judgmental criticism.

Example. When criticism from strangers is in play, because of what I have learned from Brown’s work, I have a note I refer to that says, “Teresa, if the criticism doesn’t come with a reciprocity agreement, return to sender.” Shortcut phrase that sometimes works to remind me of my core values: reciprocity.

Translation: In my community we operate as equals. No one is an expert. We are all Bozos on the bus and we love Bozos. We try not to crosstalk or tell each other what to do (although we slip often and forgive regularly our slips). We try to stay in the #metoo space of relationship. We are all equals, we all have something to contribute, we don’t boss each other around, we do practice giving and receiving feedback in safety. Reciprocity goes like this: “Hey, I read that you said this ______ and I am wondering if it might mean that you hate Jesus. Do you?” That statement invites reciprocity - a conversation. Or, “Hey, from what I experienced of you when you did _____, I doubt whether or not you know anything about spiritual transformation. Do you?” Again, a bit critical for a sensitive soul, but still, it invites reciprocity. It invites a conversation, not condemnation. If someone I do not even know tries to tell me who I am then it is okay to return that comment to the sender without spending valuable energy on it. However, if my husband or my kids or my best friend tells me I do not love Jesus and I know absolutely nothing about spiritual transformation I better sit down, pour the coffee and ask hard questions about myself. How do you process criticism and feedback? Do you make distinctions re: source?

Tomorrow, more on the nature of reciprocity...