How do you determine success?

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Success, as a topic, has come up a few times in our Wednesday night men's group lately.  It is no secret that our culture is a success-oriented culture, meaning, it is a core value.  Our culture does not have a clear definition of success, but we all know the primary signs:  wealth and prestige. 

One can acquire wealth without gaining prestige.  For instance, the "Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli earned great wealth but did so in such a manner as to gain notoriety, not prestige.  The opposite is also true, one can become prestigious without acquiring wealth.  We may think of various artists or writers.  Regardless, we rarely think of success without at least one of these elements present. 

In part, this is because of compartmentalization.  We think of success in terms of the "work life" but we do not often think of success in other areas and so we remain limited in the categories at our disposal to define it (in this case only two, wealth and prestige). 

What would it mean for the "work life" to represent only one piece of our view of success (rather than the totality)?

What would it mean to be a successful person?

This is what we're going to talk about for a few days.   I'm going to start with a little theory- my attempt to wrestle with, and try to make sense of, this difficult topic (nine days to be exact- hang with me- the practical side is always better if I'm allowed a little time to play in the mud first). Then, we'll talk practical specifics. 

Wrapping up

I hope this little mini-series on love has been practical and inspiring.  Scott and I are moving on to another series in which we do some point/counterpoint conversations that we invite you to join us in!

But for today, I pray that we continue to remember how much freedom and responsibility each of us have in choosing our own adventures.  Many of the “limitations” we place on ourselves are imagined. Some of our legitimate “limitations” are gifts that are waiting to teach us new ways of being.

This is your one wild and precious life - go for it!!

It's simpler than you thought

Yesterday we talked about how a previously happy couple began to question whether or not they wanted to stay married to each other.  Instead of doubling down on discontent and blaming, these two chose curiosity and humility. They heard about a workshop that sounded like it might be helpful and they took it.  They followed up with a support group - one for him, another for her. They worked hard to apply what they were learning and when they felt stuck, they asked for support from a person they trusted.

Eventually, they made a few changes and found immediate relief and reconnection.

1. The wife decided that it was not her husband’s job to provide her with a sense of community.  She realized, accurately, that her community connections of the past had never involved him. She engaged her “ME” work, and began contemplating what she loved - as opposed to what her children needed.  Upon reflection (in the “ME” arena), she realized that she loved gardening (as did her husband fyi) but had neglected that personal interest in lieu of parenting responsibilities. She signed up for a master gardening course and made new friends while learning a ton.  Together, she and her husband (who had no interest in classes) began to garden together - a job previously left solely to Mr. Solitary. See what happened there? She used all three relationship areas - her “ME”, her “YOU and ME” (making hubby quite happy), and “WE”. Before she knew it, she was volunteering at local gardening events.  Eventually she ended up getting a part time job at a local nursery.

2. The husband in this story engaged his “ME” to discover why he was so upset when his wife complained about his solitary ways.  He was aghast when he realized that his previous passion - his work - had become more taxing and less inspiring. No one was as surprised as he was to discover that he was ready to retire.  Once retired, his willingness to socialize a bit more became not only doable but a welcome part of their calendar. (His “ME” allowed him to reduce his “WE” which was no longer serving him well and that allowed the “YOU and ME” to find new “WE” expressions together.)

Finally, notice how as each of them took responsibility for themselves, he positively impacted their intimacy and sociability!  Can you imagine if the husband had retired and his wife did not have outside interests? She may have used her gardening skills to fertilize the back yard with body parts!  

We can all do this.  We must continue to assess and reassess our lives.  Notice how important it is to own our “ME”; rejoice in the reality that as we own our “ME” it often benefits our intimate and social connections.  This is such good stuff! How are you doing in these arenas? Anything that needs shifting?

Marital Mayhem

In a previous blog entry, I concluded it with the following statement:  When we do not appropriately match up our needs and wants within the appropriate context for addressing them, we have issues.

I provided a couple of examples to illustrate my point: we need to become more self-aware and attentive to the love arena we are in at any moment AND manage our expectations accordingly.  One example was of a woman who acted as if a social relationship was the place to meet her needs for intimacy; a second was of a widower whose loss of a key intimate relationship cost him vital feedback that his spouse once provided.  In both examples, these folks suffered in all their relationships because of an imbalance in the area of intimacy.

Another example that might help us understand the need for balance involves a gentleman with the opposite problem from those two folks.  He is a quiet introverted sort married to a sociable wife. Their imbalance was not obvious while the children were at home. His wife was busy with the commitments involving her children - she was active in the PTA, they had sporting events to attend, one of their children was active in a local theatre group.  But once those kids flew the nest and before grandchildren arrived on the scene, a previously contented marriage began to fall apart at the seams.

What went wrong?  Can this marriage be saved?

The wife grew increasingly restless and discontent in the marriage.  The more she complained about her situation, the more withdrawn her husband became - exacerbating the problem.  How did they move through this rough patch?

They figured out that they were out of kilter in a rather simple and fixable arena of love.  They had TOO MUCH intimacy and NOT ENOUGH tribe. This required the contented husband - who was living his dream of a quiet and peaceful home with his beloved - to acknowledge that too much of a good thing was too much.  And his irritable wife had to come to grips with her changed circumstances (reduced social interaction) and take responsibility for herself. She needed to figure out how to re-introduce more tribe back into her weekly schedule.  

Kind of neat, right?  Both had some responsibility in the situation.  All of this came about because each accepted the premise that every human needs three love arenas:  ME, YOU and ME, and WE. He preferred the “you and me” place; she really loved the “we”. Both were a bit off kilter.  

Tomorrow, we will explore a couple of very practical ways these two got back on track. For today, notice these things:  1. They were looking for answers not just blaming their life stage OR each other for their marital woes and 2. Both were willing to take responsibility for their part (they both were fairly health in the “ME” arena).

A Prayer for Friday

Father, you have given us a big vision for a job that so often seems so easy, natural and small as to feel as if we couldn’t possibly be getting it right.  When our love flows naturally from you to others, we hardly notice it happening. For those times when we love one another well in a way that includes both give and take - we give thanks.

For those times when either we perceive or come to know that we have experienced a love fail - we ask for mercy.  Forgive us our clumsy love-less ways!

Thank you for your guidance in these matters.  For today, we lay our weapons of defensiveness down and ask for your continued patience as we practice loving respect for  you, ourselves and others.

Amen