Violating boundaries

I love thinking about boundaries.  The more I study them, the more ways I find that I have violated my own or another’s boundary.  Lately I’ve been considering how boundary violations make it more difficult to deal with conflict.  Obviously, boundary violations result in someone losing their sense of safety.  Conflict is neither resolved nor managed when safety is compromised for any one person in the disagreement.  Here are a few ways I have been rethinking the applications of boundaries during a conflict.  Boundary violations include:

1. Assuming that we know what others think, feel or why they do
2. Trying to solve other people’s problems
3. Asking other people to solve our problems

I am amazed at how certain I can be about what someone else’s motives are AND how often I am completely off-base.  It’s incredible to me how many times I have sought to help someone solve a problem that they did not believe they had.  But what flabbergasts me about myself the most is the number of times over the years, in both small and large ways, I have asked someone else to solve a problem that was my responsibility to tackle.  This doesn’t mean that we are all alone and without resources; this doesn’t mean we are never given the opportunity to provide our opinion on a subject. We can invite people to help us, we can offer help to others, we can ask for and/or ask to give feedback, but none of this is ok without permission.  And none of it gives us the right to expect others to follow our advice OR requires us to follow the advice given us.

Today, think about boundaries in terms of how our misuse of them can exacerbate conflict and how being sensitive to what is ours to do can free us up to work on ourselves (or play tennis)!

What are your dreams for yourself?

My friend, who is obsessed with her daughter’s success, is in trouble with her daughter and doesn’t know it - yet.  She is unwittingly teaching her kid things that I do not actually think are true.  For instance, my friend wants her daughter to get into the business school at UVA and come out a shark.  She dreams of the days when her kid can work really really hard and make a ton of money and then retire at 40 (it’s the new 30 after all).  

But what her daughter explains to ME is that she dreams of becoming a guidance counselor and working in an at-risk school.  She wants to make a difference in the world by leaving a small footprint (i.e., a minimalist lifestyle) and focusing on relationships not achievement OR material possessions.  My friend’s daughter is sad that her mother does not “get her” and I am concerned that this conflict may lead to not only a relationship schism but an array of mutual misunderstandings.

Of course, there’s another side to this story.  This mom got pregnant with this child when we were in high school.  My friend who is brilliant and capable and filled with drive and ambition chose to become a single mom rather than accept the invitation to go to her dream college (too far from family support).  She chose to ditch her dream of going to medical school (too hard without a husband to help raise her daughter).  Does she resent this?  She says not.  But she is acutely aware of feeling under-educated and she mourns the loss of her own unrealized goals. 

Lately I’ve been pitching the idea that mom consider going back to school and studying anything that makes her heart sing.  She is coming around to giving it some thought.  All I know is that these two lovely women really love each other and I have a feeling they will work this out.

Be careful with your aspirations for others

What is so wrong with a mother having aspirations for a child?  Or a spouse for a spouse?  Or a boss for an employee?  Or a sibling for a sibling?  Or a child for a grandparent?

A few things:
1.  Aspirations are primarily what we have for ourselves, not others.  I know.  This is hard.  But ultimately my friend’s bright and capable daughter needs to decide for herself who she aspires to become.  
2. When we try to coerce someone into wanting to achieve in particular ways, we run several risks:  we may confuse them from doing their own investigation about what they want to work hard for, we may foster a stubborn resistance to caring or trying anything, we may end up decreasing our relationship access on an intimate level.
3. When we get too focused on what others “should” do, we may not be paying enough attention to our own goals and dreams.

Every relationship does indeed have a component of expectation.  I expect Pete to not cheat on me; if he does, we’re going to have a problem.  I expect my children to treat me decently; if my kids behave in ways that call into question our mutual love for one another, we’re going to have a conversation.  These are not unreasonable expectations.  I am not asking anyone to be different than who they are.  I am not asking Scott to give me hugs 12 times a day or Michael to text me 4 times a day keeping me apprised of his schedule.  I don’t ask my daughter to loan me her shoes.  I don’t ask my  husband to develop a sudden appreciation for mushrooms.  

To say that there are no expectations in relationships is an over-statement.  But I am so concerned that we keep heaping expectations on ourselves and others that I am willing to overstate my case.  Check our expectations and reel ‘em in!

Avoiding senseless disappointment

My friend is in the middle of a difficult transition with a child who is moving past adolescence into adulthood; the ride has been bumpy.  Her daughter is not “progressing” along the adult-ing track on par with her Mom’s expectations.

Convinced that her daughter is brilliant (and she is), and capable (and she is) my friend is disappointed in her daughter’s lack luster academic performance.  This has become a real buzz kill in their relationship because mom is OBSESSED with getting this kid “back on track”.  

After months of listening to this mommy angst it occurred to me that I didn’t really understand what “back on track” meant.  She explained, “She needs a 4.0, more internships, and networking (including joining a sorority).”

“But she just finished her first semester with a 3.4.  That seems like a pretty good start.  And she is working a part time job at a whopping 30 hours per week!  Aren’t sororities expensive and finances a challenge?  And what are you thinking she needs to intern doing - she hasn’t even declared a major yet, has she?”

And honest to goodness her reply was this, “You are just confusing the facts with the mission.  The mission is success and she is not showing the promise I believe she possesses.”

Confusing the facts with the mission?  Seriously?

I fear my friend, who loves her child and desperately desires a close relationship, is sowing seeds of regret and resentment that may just sabotage this relationship in ways that will break my friend’s heart.  But my friend did not ask my opinion and I tried to remember my place.  So I stopped with my Socratic methodology of passive-aggressive questioning and LET.  IT.  GO.

What does intimacy look like?

It is easy to get confused about who is an intimate and who is not.  Is a parent ALWAYS a person who can speak into our lives?  Actually, no, they are not.  How about a spouse?  Nope.  What about a best friend?  Again, no. (Sometimes we are given the gift of answering one or more of these questions yes - but we cannot assume that this is true.)

A decent rule of thumb that helps us maintain safety in relationships, acknowledge boundaries and maintains a respectful distance from the living of life is this:  realize that is it NOT our place to suggest/ask/tell people what to think, feel or do.  That is an inside job - we are each responsible for our own thinking, feeling and doing.  

Why is this important?  Because when we over-step our influence, we create an unsafe relationship dynamic.  Why does that matter?  We don’t do our best listening, accepting and changing when safety is at risk.

Each of us defines relationship safety in different ways.  It requires a lot of hard work to get to know other people’s safety parameters.  But this is part of our work.  We need to be part of a relational dynamic that values and works toward conversational safety.  What helps us feel safe?  Respect.  Dignity.  Humility.  Curiosity.  What hurts?  Judgment.  Condescension.  Fighting dirty. Contempt.

Let’s give our relationships a chance to be as awesome and intimate and life-giving as they were intended to be by working toward mindful restraint when it comes to commenting on the life of others!