Self-protection and self-respect

Some folks are in inherently unsafe relationships.  In particular, those in a close relationship with someone who demonstrates narcissistic traits.  This is a great trial because, to one degree or another, a person who is narcissistic is not able to care, nor particularly interested in, your position on anything.

In relationships like this, we have to consider all our options, including detachment and creating distance in the relationship if it becomes destructive for us.  If you are in a relationship like that and are working hard to maintain it for various reasons, then here is a piece of advice for you (and all of us really).

Our day-to-day work, a spiritual discipline really, includes identifying and valuing our own core values so that we can both own them and apply them under the pressure of conflict.  I know how hard this is to do particularly if you discover that you are in relationship with someone who is skilled at gaslighting and is doing so to you.  Again, evaluate and re-evaluate your options for moving to a safer relational distance.

But while we figure all that out, seek to practice your own core values so that you do not add your own personal disappointments in yourself into the mix.  It is sad but true that many of us are in relationships with people who are so insecure that they try to elevate themselves by stepping on our necks to keep us down.  If this is happening to you - get counseling to help you sort this out!!

But also be mindful that if a core value of yours is respecting humans, then you owe it to yourself to make sure you do not allow another person to treat you with disrespect AND do your best to act respectfully to others.  

In an abusive relationship (get evaluated you might be in one and not recognize it), the most respectful thing you can do is make sure you keep yourself safe!

Safe Conflict

How can we use conflict to build intimacy and resolve issues?  Skillfully!  For the next few posts, I’m going to mention a few for your consideration.

Safety is a “thing” and it is always at risk.

In other words, there are all sorts of ways conversations, particularly conflictual ones can go sideways.  The most likely first step in a conversation going wrong is when a feeling of safety in the midst of the discussion is lost by any of the participating parties.  This benefits no one - unless of course, someone is interested in keeping the conflict pot stirred.

Safety is an issue for all parties but individuals experience safety violations differently.  My husband isn’t a big fan of conflict but he sees nothing wrong with yelling at referees on television.  Raised voices of any kind, even the kind that is deluded enough to think that the referees can hear him and care about his opinion, make me nervous.  Over the years he has learned to tone down his sports passion as a way to respect and demonstrate his love for me.

Have you noticed that people in your life seem to have issues around feeling safe in conversations that are hard for you to understand?  Try anyway.  What about you?  Are there any safety issues for you that you might need to explain to people you love so that they can be more supportive?  Try to be transparent and see what happens.

Inside-Out

Ever watch the movie Inside Out?  It is so good!  I particularly love how the movie beautifully illustrates the concept of “getting triggered”.  We get triggered when someone or something “triggers” an old insecurity, emotion, fear or what have you.  Once triggered we often over-react to the triggering stimuli AS IF it were connected to the old memory.  This usually results in whoever we are in the experience with getting very confused (or worse) by our reaction.  

It can really complicate conflict resolution.  I listened as a couple described a repetitive triggering event in their marriage.  Everyone was A-OK with the idea that the issue was not the issue.  But when the husband “triggered” the wife, her response was so over the top that he was starting to get twitchy.  He was backing up rather than leaning into the relationship.

She felt judged by his response.  Until the day he said this, “I feel like I keep getting beat up for the ghosts of your past and I have decided that it is not just hurtful but destructive and unfair.”  Ghosts.  The image worked for her.  She was living in a dream and fighting against shadowy ghosts but hitting her flesh and blood beloved in the process.  

To work through this both spouses had to take responsibility for their side of the street.  It was hard but they found some fun ways to hold each accountable for reactions that were making the situation more difficult than necessary.  It took a while but today she has coping strategies in place to manage her triggered moments and he has new skills in place for addressing times when his wife trips over one of those traumatic memory wires.  

Whatever side of the equation we are on - triggered or triggering - we can work on improving our response!

Winners and Losers

I appreciate winning as much or more than anyone I know.  I am particularly competitive in the arena of board games.  Who doesn’t love being a winner?  So when I began to study conflict resolution, I frankly was looking for material to teach me how to win at conflict.  Those books are out there and are readily available for our competitive consumption.

However, I found far more compelling literature that ultimately shook my preconceived notion that winning was the best game in town.  I have decades of experience at playing to win.  I was not easily convinced that winning is not everything.  What I learned is that I’m not even sure it is a thing at all.  It depends on our viewpoint.

It is no secret that I both love to win and have never won a set of tennis playing against my husband.  I’ve written reams of material on all the humbling lessons I have learned standing across the court from him for almost 50 years of tennis playing and losing set after set after set.  But that perspective is ONLY one that I can find on the scoreboard.  It doesn’t tell the whole story; it doesn’t even address the most important point of the story!

See, I may lose at tennis, but together Pete and I win at life when we enjoy going out and playing tennis, especially since we figured out how to more accurately measure success.
Tennis is something we have done together since we were kids; how many people are still in relationship with the same person they first learned how to play tennis with using a wooden racket?  

Together, we have literally grown up on the tennis court.  In terms of years, that’s a fact.  But it is also true when we consider our maturity and even our capacity to live in the moment.  If tennis was once a way we competed for points and got in our cardio exercise, it has morphed into sacred space.  We do not take for granted that we will have decades MORE to go out on a warm summer night, turn on the lights and push the ball through the air with a sturdy wallop of our racket.  We know what it is like to be side-lined by a shoulder injury.  We are aware that several of our friends are no longer healthy enough to stand out in 90 degree heat and run from one corner of the baseline to another as if the point really mattered.  No longer bothered with the burden of having something to prove, life has become far more enjoyable on many fronts.  I suggest that for today - consider what competitions you can set aside so that you can experience a bit more sacred space.

My way or the highway

Last night I was teaching a class on conflict management and asked the group about their super powers.  In particular, I wanted to know what unique super power each of them possessed that they could abuse in such a way as to reduce their connection with other people.

I got crickets. After a couple of minutes of silence, my husband chimed in and volunteered to share MY super power.  Seriously.  According to my husband, my superpower is my tendency to perhaps, just maybe, exaggerate the danger of a situation to such ridiculous heights that the possibility that there is any danger present AT ALL is missed. He is right.  It is my superpower.  After he gets out of the dog house for talking about my power rather than his, I might tell him so!  Evidently...this super power can be a lot to live with!  For years my husband traveled weekly for his job, usually flying.  I rarely flew on a commercial airline and when we fly together, I make his experience a living hell...according to him.

It begins days before we travel.  I write all our children love notes, just in case I never see them again and dispatch these off in early morning emails on the day of the flight.  I insist that Pete and I consider our footwear carefully in case we need to exit the plane in haste with the cockpit on fire.  (Who wants to burn the bottoms of their feet?)  When we select our seats, we need to be within two rows of an exit to give us our best survival rate.  No window seats for us, what if the window broke in mid-flight? (Who is laughing now? Google Southwest Airlines.)  I would get really irritated if he didn’t read the inflight instructions and watch the instructions given by the steward.  For a man accustomed to calm travel every week, this is overkill.

Here is what a healthier me can do.  I can make the same choices for me and stop managing my anxiety by controlling his perspective.  We will be flying this weekend!  Wish me luck!

P.S.  Update:  without prompting, my husband, knowing my flying fears, paid EXTRA for us to sit in an exit row.  Some cynical types may think the guys was going for extra leg room; I choose to believe he did it because he loves me and thinks I am cute.