People Who are Struggling Are Difficult to Affirm

When someone is struggling they don’t act like their “best selves.” This means they will likely be more irritable and less cheerful. They might be moodier. They might criticize you more, or be more withdrawn, or distracted. In other words, they are going to do fewer activities that seem worthy of affirmation.

The question becomes, then, do we want to respond to this behavior in a way that amplifies it or pacifies it? Do we want to help it become better or worse?

Mostly when someone is driving us nuts we want them to stop doing the things that drive us nuts. However, we respond by settling for fighting fire-with-fire. If someone snaps at me, I snap at them. If someone criticizes me, I criticize them, and so on.

The reality is, in most cases we are not going to argue someone from being irritable into being cheerful. However, showing patience, gentleness, and kindness, might help. We cannot, of course, fix another person’s problems. We cannot coerce someone into going from unpleasant to pleasant. But what we can do is avoid piling on during tough times.

You don’t even have to find something current to affirm. You can simply affirm that person for what they have meant to you. For instance, “I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you again that you are one of my most valued friends.”

Small things can make a big difference.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Sometimes Affirming Feels Like a “Reach”

We affirm people for their sake. It is good to affirm people because people who are regularly affirmed can become better people.

Sometimes you have to look really hard for something to affirm. When you have to look really hard, it almost feels “cheap” to then offer that affirmation. But it’s not.

Affirmation is never cheap. It is a gift.

We may not feel like giving some people a gift. They may not deserve it. It’s true, some people cause so much harm that even I, as a pastor, would ask God to forgive any lack of forgiveness on your part.

Yet, at the same time, affirmations open people up to change that they might not otherwise have been able to consider. People who are affirmed may become “better” people, so to speak. They may not cause harm in the same ways as they did in the past as a result of their change.

Perhaps it’s someone else’s job to offer affirmation to a person who has caused you harm. I simply can’t say. I have no idea what the right thing to do is.

Whatever the case may be, it’s worth wrestling with.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Others Requires Us to Pay Attention to Them

Are you listening to your loved ones? Are you truly listening? Are you paying attention?

According to them, why do they do the things that frustrate you so much?

Do you know the answer to that question?

But do you actually know the answer to that question?

Chances are, if we truly listened to those we are in relationship with, they can articulate quite clearly why they do the things they do (even if those things seem “crazy” to us).

Let’s take a very simple (well, on the surface) example.

Let’s say you’re completely baffled at your loved one’s ability to keep using substances despite negative consequences. Let’s also say that your loved one says that use because they feel so unworthy and undeserving of love. Let’s say they feel they have nothing to offer or contribute. Let’s say they feel like a relationship failure who is hopeless to ever “improve.” Let’s say they really, really want to change because they want to show you how much they love you but just keep slipping up.

Most of us can connect with the feeling that we’re unloved, unworthy, undeserving. Almost everyone struggles with those feelings at some time or another. This may open the door for a little empathy.

For instance, “I really appreciate your desire to change even though you’re struggling emotionally.”

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

I don’t want to affirm. I want to send a message.

Sometimes we become so bogged down in the conflict of a given relationship that we feel like affirming the person we are in conflict with is akin to saying, “We’re all good.”

If you’re not all good, you don’t want to communicate that you’re all good because you don’t want the other person to think that the current relationship status is an acceptable way to continue into the future. In other words, if you don’t like the way things are, then you don’t want them to continue this way and, if you don’t want them to continue, you want to send a message that, “Things are not okay!”

Here’s the thing. It’s okay to send more than one message. There’s a difference between sending two separate messages and sending “mixed signals.”

For instance, you can say to someone, “I really appreciate how you treat my family,” even as you say, “There are some things in our relationship that we might need to work on together.”

Do you see how these aren’t “mixed” messages? One is a positive observation about a person and one is a request for help. It’s possible to do both at once.

If things aren’t going well, the other person probably knows it even if they don’t acknowledge it. You don’t need to “send a message” 24/7. Also, being withholding doesn’t send a message. It is simply being withholding. If you really want to send a message, have an honest conversation.

But that’s an issue for a whole different day.

For now, just consider that you can affirm someone even if you’re not happy with them at the moment.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

What if There Isn't Anything to Affirm?

I am going to assume some of you are in challenging relationships. You may have a hard time finding things to affirm in this context.

Let me be clear: there is always something to affirm.

Let me be clear: there is always something to affirm.

Okay, we tend to think about behaviors when it comes to affirmations. In other words, we affirm things people do. But, we can also affirm thoughts, desires, wishes, hopes, goals, changes, small changes, really, really, really small changes, personality characteristics, physical characteristics (such as, “I like the way you laugh.”), and more.

There is always something to affirm.

Whatever it is, the other person will like hearing it.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29