Validation Prevents Relational Roadblocks

Many conversations break down because of the failure to validate. I like to jokingly refer to this as “failure to launch” because a failure to validate tends to prevent a conversation from even getting started. If we don’t get started, then we have very little hope of going deeper. Let’s use a made up example of how a conversation could go downhill very quickly between me and Brittany.

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

We don’t need to go any further. We know how Brittany will react from here: she’ll be defensive and, likely as not, we will start quibbling about something that is not super significant (like trash fines). If things go really bad, we’ll start saying things like, “You never do what you say you’re going to do,” Or, “I do more things than you do,” or whatever...there’s a million ways things can go wrong from here.

Imagine if I had said, “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” (This is what validation looks like). It would be a totally different conversation, right?

With her first statement, Brittany is trying to apologize and take ownership for forgetting to take out the trash- it’s just not happening at the most explicit level. So, to respond by expressing disappointment is to reject her desire to take responsibility for her part in the mishap (and yes, it’s a very insignificant mishap).

When this happens, the conversation never gets off the ground. It fails to launch.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Validation is Not (Necessarily) Agreement

From yesterday: Validation is the process of communicating to another person that, however it is they are responding to life circumstances, their response is natural.

Now, you may say to yourself, surely not all experiences are okay to have. What if someone’s “experience” tells them to commit murder? Should we validate that?

Validation is not the same thing as agreeing with another person. It is also not the same thing as saying that the other person is always correct or that their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, or experiences are “good.” It is simply a way of saying, “You are not incorrect to have the unique experience you are having even if it is quite dark.”

So, if someone you know wants to commit murder, it’s not hard to imagine that person is angry. And, if they’re angry, they might also be fearful. Validation would be to say, “It’s hard to be so angry, or so afraid, that you want to hurt someone.”

Do you see the difference between validation and agreement? Agreement says: Yep. You should kill someone. Validation says: It’s okay to be a human being who struggles, who hurts, and who wants to lash out.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

What is Validating?

We have talked about validation a lot lately. Sometimes when you talk about something a lot it starts to become confusing.

Actually, let’s start with the opposite. When it is communicated to a person that they should not have the experience they are having then they are invalidated. Our experience of an event is a combination of perception, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Validation, then, is the process of communicating that it is quite alright to have whatever experience you are having.

All feelings are welcome. How we think about them and how we act on them once they’re with us is an entirely different matter. But there is nothing inherently “wrong” with being furious (for instance). Life circumstances are going to make us furious, from time to time.

Validation is the process of communicating to another person that, however it is they are responding to life circumstances, their response is natural.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Other People Might Need the Same Things You Need

It’s worth considering that those around us who are hurting might need the same kinds of things that we need when we’re hurting.

Now, on the one hand, we’re all different. No two people have the same needs. But, at the same time, it helps to reflect on what we need when we’re hurting because it can help guide us towards a helpful response to the people who we know who are hurting.

A couple of days ago I reminded us that people who are hurting are difficult to affirm even though they might be the ones who need it the most. It’s likely that receiving affirmation has really helped some of you in the past. And, it’s likely that affirmation will help your hurting loved ones.

Why do I bring this up?

Because we tend to be a bit backwards when it comes to hurting people. We don’t often treat them the way we would want to be treated (yes, The Golden Rule). We instead give advice, or tell them that things will be better soon, or tell them why the problem happened in the first place, etc.

Rarely do we affirm and simply sit with the other person’s struggles. This is a very real spiritual discipline.

Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you…

Matthew 7:12a

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

What Do YOU Need When You’re Hurting?

Well, the question is a bit unfair. A lot of us don’t know what we need when we’re hurting, we just know that we hurt.

Perhaps we should ask the question, “What has helped you before, in retrospect?” Hindsight can truly be 20/20.

Spend some time reflecting on this. Make a list.

Try to remember all of the things that helped, no matter how small.

Was it a walk, or exercise? Being in nature? Writing in a journal? A spiritual discipline? A regular phone call or lunch or some other meetup with a friend?

Share your ideas!

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29