Do You Deserve to Thrive?

I have been asking this question a lot lately.


I tend to get the exact same response every time I ask it: “Nobody deserves anything.”


I then ask a second question, does your ______ deserve to thrive? (I fill in the blank with a relationship that is meaningful to the person I’m talking to. It could be brother, mother, wife, etc., just someone who I know the other person cares about).


I don’t always get the exact same answer when I ask that question- but everyone hesitates before answering.


Why?


Because we tend to think our loved ones deserve to thrive.


So why is that I don’t deserve something that someone else does?


Let us know your thoughts in the comments section. We’ll pick up here tomorrow.

Learning to Assume the Best

It’s easy to assume the worst about people. Many of us do it naturally. Sometimes people have even taught us things about themselves- perhaps that they do not deserve the benefit of the doubt (so to speak). And while it’s important to learn from people’s past behavior, assuming the worst tends not to be the best option for finding and maintaining balance in our relationships.

Relationship problems are often the product of miscommunication. We struggle to say what we really mean and struggle to hear what another person is trying to communicate. This is because communication is a skill that needs to be learned, practiced, and honed. We do not become wonderful communicators without dedicated learning and practice.

Given that, it’s helpful to consider that our frustrations and resentments with another person may be the product of a miscommunication rather than on the other person’s desire to hurt us, or their selfishness, or their lack of consideration, or whatever other character defects they have because they aren’t as enlightened as us (joke).

Are there times where conflict is not the product of miscommunication? Of course. But I would place a bet that miscommunication is at the heart of a strong percentage of disagreements. It’s important, then, that we recognize that a lot of our conflict is not one person’s fault or another’s. It is just the natural fallout of our struggles to communicate well and clearly.

So maybe that person you’re in conflict with is not a horrible person. Maybe they aren’t that selfish. Maybe they want the best for you. If you can assume that might be the case, perhaps that will open up new and different communication possibilities in that relationship.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

You Don’t Actually Know What’s Going on With Another Person

You may you think you know what’s going on with another person, but you probably don’t. You may think, “He’s just a narcissist.” But, in all likelihood, you have no clue whether or not that person is a narcissist.

You may think,”She’s just trying to manipulate me.” But, in all likelihood, you have no clue whether or not that person is trying to manipulate you. You may think, “He’s just looking for a hand out.” But, again, you don’t really know that. He might be more desperate than you’ve ever been.

When other people start to bother us, we tend to assume the worst.

What if you gut-checked your assumptions?

We’re always going to make assumptions. They will often be subconscious and difficult for us to control. But we may be able to learn how to respond in new and different ways.

Do you ever ask yourself, what if that isn’t true?

Do you ever ask yourself, what might be another interpretation of that person’s behavior?

It’s worth trying. You may very well find some grace for people you had previously written off.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Going Deeper (In Your Conversations)

Sometimes conversations “fail” (too strong of a word, but you’ll see what I mean in a second) not because something bad has happened but because they are unsatisfying. We’re not getting to the places we want to with our friends, loved ones, spouses, etc. Why do we struggle to deepen conversations?

I don’t know that there’s a clear answer to that question. One of the things I notice, though, is that sometimes we try too hard. Sometimes we think a better, more interesting topic is going to be the thing that deepens a conversation. Sometimes we think it’s being relatable by sharing similar stories about ourselves in response to stories our conversation partner is telling us.

These are certainly not “wrong” by any means. But sometimes a simpler approach helps a conversation explore new depths. Asking “open-ended” questions can be just the thing we need.

What is an open-ended question? It’s a question that does not have a “yes” or “no” (or otherwise one word) answer. A few examples:

“How are you feeling about that?”

“What do you think you’re going to do next?”

“How do you manage your anxiety?”

These are all examples of questions that serve as a “launching point” for the other person to share more about what is going on with themselves. If people are being offered the opportunity to share more, then the conversation has a chance to deepen.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Failure to Launch

Yesterday we looked at an example of how an invalidating response to a conversation starter can prevent the conversation from deepening. It went like this:

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen

Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

A validating response would look something like this: “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” When you respond with validation, the conversation can go where it needs to go. It doesn’t get trapped in a cycle of defensiveness.

So, let’s say Brittany was really struggling with being home alone too much, she can then say, “It is really all consuming and it’s really wearing me out. Would it be possible to put Norah in preschool one extra day per week so that my margins aren’t so thin?”

The conversation started with trash and validation allowed it to go deeper: Brittany needs more time for...whatever, it doesn’t matter it’s hypothetical. Let’s say she needs more time to work on her business, or to rest, or to see friends, it really doesn’t matter. She had a need that she needed to express and an invalidating response prevented that from coming out.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB