Cultivating Your Tribe…

“Tell your story. Shout it. Write it...Some won’t understand it...But many will thank you for it. And then the most magical thing will happen. One by one...your tribe will gather. And you will never feel alone again.”

L. R. Knost

I encountered an exotic creature in a recent zoom meeting - a woman who did not care, one iota, what most people thought of her. She cares deeply about people. She advocates for the vulnerable among us. But she only cares about how a handful of people experience her. And it is not because she wants their approval! She wants their respect. She does not want respect handed to her; she wants to earn it. Their opinions help her gauge the effectiveness of her efforts.

I was bowled over by her way of seeing herself and the world. This is very, very different from my way of thinking. I am more inclined to ask for support and approval first, and only later consider if the ask was appropriate or the return on my vulnerability worth it.

She and I are opposite in some ways; I want to learn from her.

It seems to me that there is no true satisfaction in the road of adaptation to fit the expectations of others. If we adapt our story to gain approval or avoid judgment - what’s that acceptance worth? We are not being accepted for who we are, at best, we are being taken on face value - the image, the face that we painted on to mask the story we fear will not be good enough.

So this exotic creature with her internal sense of worth is not only colorful, she is authentic. Delightful. A force to be reckoned with! She is who she is, and feels best when she knows that those who like and love her are part of her life in a genuine, authentic way. Here’s what she said, “I would rather have fewer friends than to have a bunch of friends who I cannot trust to stay when I’m at my worst.”

Bravo.

I pray that each of us finds the tribe that gathers around us, not because we coerced them through image crafting, but because they appreciate a decent authentic relationship.

Aligning Your Values With Your Actions

“When you start to see your worth, you’ll find it harder to spend time with people who don’t see it too.”

Life on Purpose, Jan. 8.

Who do you want to become? How does your voting record reflect your intentions? I’m not talking politics, I’m talking intentions paired with actions, practices, and responsibility.

How do you want to define “worth”? It is our job to decide for ourselves what that means; how we live it out in the arena of family and community will determine whether or not we are telling ourselves the truth about what we value.

Today, notice how you vote.

Want to be a loving human? Ok, great. How did that show up when you got cut off in traffic, had a neighbor put up a sign you disagree with, or when someone hurt your feelings?

Want to be a decent parent? Ok, cool. How did that show up in the tone of your voice, your patience (or lack thereof), your presence, your humility and willingness to be a student of your child?

Want to be a valuable employee? Also fine. How valuable were you today?

Want to be a faithful person? How consciously did you walk with God and follow the tenets of your faith?

When we strive to match our voting with our values, we can appreciate our worth. We can value ourselves because we are living our values.

Today, consider taking a few minutes to reflect, breathe, and commit to your values.

A Pause…

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.”

James Clear

For today, let’s take a pause and consider our vote in light of our faith - our certain way of seeing.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10 NIV

Let’s pray.

Father, how often we get caught up in our own certainty; our visions and dreams of the future; our schedule and routines; our insecurities and our creature comforts. Today, in homage to you, I sit. I breathe. I pray.

May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

May it bear fruit in my life.

Amen

The Journey

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”

Ursula K. Le Guin

Almost 21 years ago we entered into this crazy adventure of starting a recovery ministry with a team of awesome people. I was ambivalent about upending our routines for this new thing but totally committed to its vision - providing a bridge for folks to travel between recovery and faith. Two decades ago it was harder, I think, to mix one’s recovery with one’s faith experience. Maybe I’m wrong but it feels like to me that this is less an issue today than it was in the 90’s.

As a pilot project it was easy to not get overly focused on goals. This was helpful. Goals can sometimes create needless pressures and even side-track us if our goal setting is unrealistic or off target. We talked about helping “one person” as a worthy goal. That’s about as far as we went. Eventually we had to give up our illusion that the pilot project was short term and would soon allow us to return to our less complicated lives.

Over the years my sense of the journey has changed. I see the bridge less clearly. That early goal was driven by the needs of the day. Today, it feels more like a path we trod through desert and deep forest, up and down hills, “on up the mountain” to quote Jakob Dylan.

There is an intuition I have today that sings a song and gently tugs at my heart. It’s less about the objectives and more about the courage to keep going, even when the way seems dark and uncertain. I look back over 21 years and recognize the naivete in daring to think that we had much understanding of the implications of starting a new thing. My life, our lives as a family and community, is better served by not getting too caught up in focusing on the end of the journey. The naive woman who dared to think she knew what the future would hold has been wrong on so many fronts that my crystal ball has been confiscated.

I like goals. They are helpful, especially for the small stuff. But goals are not as helpful as a full on commitment to the journey. As it relates to the big stuff? I think that’s often the ego chattering away in an effort to distract us from the reality of how difficult the journey was, is and will be as we keep walking, one step at a time.

It’s awesome to have a sense of how we can be a part of something bigger than ourselves. But it is wisdom that guides us to hold lightly to our convictions about the destination and take our responsibility for how we travel very seriously.

How is your journey going? Are your intentions tugging at you? Is the kind of person you want to be applying the brakes gently on your desires to succeed, excel, and influence the world around you? It is always a good use of time to self-reflect and notice where we are giving ourselves permission to behave in ways that do not really fit our desire to be a better human.

Today Will Pass...

Bravery is acknowledging your fear and doing it anyway.

Cheryl Strayed

In a recent meeting I attended a very smart psychiatrist gave a great presentation on the topic of neuro-feedback. He had graphs and a powerpoint; it was awesome. We asked him to share during our Family Education Program about the latest research in this field as it relates to treatment of substance use disorder and other mental health challenges. He believes in this practice and has years of experience. It was both a humble and informed conversation.

At the end, one of the parents said, “Do you think this would be helpful for my child?” He replied, “Well, maybe. It’s expensive and time consuming. You could try this, or she could practice mindfulness and meditation.”

I’m not sure if he meant that the two were equivalent. But he clearly believed that some of the benefits of his skill are mimicked by the practice of mindfulness and meditation - which, for the record is free and accessible to all. Heck, you can research it on google or youtube if you want to know what that entails.

Sometimes it takes practice of sitting quietly, alone with ourselves, to become aware of our thoughts and feelings and motivations behind our actions. I personally consider this a way that I daily give homage to God. It is my small, humbling way of admitting that He is God and I am not. No distractions. Just me sitting at the feet of a big God.

I appreciate the value and right we have in this country to share our opinions and even peacefully protest as a way of expressing our beliefs. But I want to suggest to us that equally important is a deep dive in search of clarity about the “why” underneath the “what” and “how”. And our “why” cannot be found in busy “behaving” or even passionate believing. It isn’t found in doctrines and certainty. It is found, uncovered, laid bare, only when we are brutally honest with ourselves about our fears and insecurities, our doubts and prejudices, our wounds and our tendency to wound others.

So in this month of political upheaval and for many, personal crisis, I offer this simple prayer of protection:

The light of God surrounds me.

The love of God enfolds me.

The power of God protects me.

The presence of God watches over me.

Whenever I am God is, and all is well.

Amen

Feel protected, surrounded, enfolded, and watched over? Awesome, now pray this over the scariest, the meanest dude you disagree with and judge the most in the world.

One of the ways to unlock our habitual ways of thinking and seeing is through shock and awe. Either something amazing happens that gives us a glimpse of the majesty and splendor of our loving God, or perhaps something so scary that we are shocked into wakefulness about ourselves. Maybe we are given a medical diagnosis that scares us to death or someone we love dies. Something happens that disrupts our unconscious ability to believe that we are immortal or that life is fair and understandable. Whatever it is, we end up completely shocked and find ourselves disoriented and confused.

I for one try to avoid discomfort and confusion at all costs. But I have learned, recently, that discomfort and confusion are necessary companions if I want to live a meaningful life. Some days, I confess, I am not interested in meaning. I just want to enjoy a good hot chocolate beside a roaring fire and read a mediocre novel about a sad story that ends up all sunshine and rainbows.

But on days when that doesn’t happen, on most days, this kind of sugar rush and spiritual numbness is not fulfilling. So what’s a girl to do? If we are going to rise above our temptation to numb, ignore, or rationalize away the reality of life lived on life’s terms, how do we manage the pain and discombobulation that is inherent in such a life?

Here’s a quote that helps me:

This is not how your story ends. It’s simply where it takes a turn you didn’t expect.

Cheryl Strayed

I appreciate the discipline of knowing that today will pass. Shock inevitably gives way to other emotions, but eventually we find a new equilibrium. What I am suggesting is this - if we can find a way to calm our initial freak out over the shaking of our foundation with the knowledge that our journey continues and the world is not coming to an end, then we may be able to stay with the suffering long enough for it to do its work in us, rousing us to more maturity.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

James 1:2-4 The Message

It is a good thing to know our true colors. It is a requirement in order for us to not judge the true colors of everyone else.