Being a Good Friend

Desperation is unsustainable.

Cheryl Strayed

I realize that for many of us we experience different kinds of desperation. Some of my friends are desperate to see their grandchildren, others are desperate for their sick loved ones to survive covid. I have friends who have fared well in this economy and others have been without work for nine months. Some of my friends feel desperate about the election results; others are desperate for the inauguration of the newly elected president. None of this is sustainable.

At some point in time, all of us are going to run out of adrenaline and we’re going to have to ask the question - what next? Surprise, surprise, I have a suggestion.

Be a good friend. Friendship is all well and good when there is no discord or conflict, easy peasy lemon squeezy. Friendship is all fun and games when both parties share the same definition and experience of desperation. But what happens when the two roads diverge and there is some distance? This is the space where we find out whether we have (or are) a friendly connection or a good friend. A good friend is not just a person that you like and they like you back. A GOOD friend is one who, according to the proverbs, sticks close as a brother. I am lucky enough to understand this proverb. I have a brother who comes when I call and who calls when he needs me to go - and we go. Full stop. End of sentence.

Stress does funny things to people and I am hearing a ton of chatter about how many friendships are being re-evaluated after a prolonged period of cultural desperation. I’m not on board with the idea that friendship needs to be based on perfect alignment of opinions. A good friend is able to endure the pain of distance and just hold on until the necessary shift happens - however that looks. A good friend does not require the other to make them feel better. Good friends are not there to shore up our egos. A good friend practices self-reflection more than other-analysis. A good friend works on the practices required to do hard things - because being a good friend is hard. Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness. A good friend sticks close like a brother when it would be easier to disconnect. A good friend fights for the friendship in ways that are often humbling. A good friend gently lets go when they discover that they had a friendly connection rather than a friendship because they love their friend more than they love the gift of friendship they received. I want to be the kind of person who can tolerate the discomfort of difference. How about you? What’s going to be left of us when our adrenalin-fueled desperation runs out? What happens when we move beyond the beliefs, ideas, and ideologies that we are so enamored with right now? Who will be left to bring us a chicken casserole when we need it? Who will we bring a chicken casserole to?

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Proverbs 18:24 The Message

Practicing Unconditional Love

You must love in order to be loved. You must be inclusive in order to feel yourself among the include. You must give in order to receive.

Cheryl Strayed

I am so surprised by the universal feeling of being odd, uncool, set apart. I scroll through Facebook and see all these perfect families having their amazing adventures and I think - “Wow, they must be a really put together family.” Maybe there are some of those out there.

When I get to know families, even the ones with the perfect family photos and the amazing destination adventures, I have not yet met a perfectly put together family. Hope springs eternal I guess, but I wonder, especially during this time of chaos and upheaval and crisis, if there might be another perspective to consider.

If Jesus and his community had the internet, there was a young man who surely would have been an instagram influencer. In Mark 10, this influencer shows up and asks Jesus, quite dramatically on fallen knee, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”

Jesus takes some offense to being called “good” by this young man and reminds him of the ten commandments. Which, according to this young ruler, he has kept since he was a boy. Maybe I’m reading something into the text that isn’t here but I hesitantly observe that Jesus has easily welcomed women and children, the demon possessed, and a woman my mother would refer to as a hussy. But this young man? What happens to him? This guy with his sense of righteousness and wealth? What does Jesus do with him.

He loves him. Jesus also suggests he sell all his possessions and give them to the poor! Head bent in sadness, the young man walks away. In fairness, we do not know what the young ruler chose to do. Maybe he eventually did just as Jesus asked. We do not know.

But what we do know is that Jesus was an inclusive kind of guy. He loved the rich and poor, the slaves and free, the Greeks and Jews, the naughty and the nice.

What if we decided to follow that example and love one another all willy nilly? We could stop fretting over who agreed with us or who loved us back and we could just love people. We could love them whether or not they pose on Facebook or shun Facebook. We could love our friends and our enemies. There might need to be some follow up conversations as to how that will look, but wow - I imagine they would be far more interesting then some of the conversations we are engaging in as of late!

Another Source of Strength…

In Matthew 15 we find the story of the Canaanite woman who had a demon possessed daughter that she desperately wanted Jesus to heal. He did not rush to do so but she persisted. Eventually he admitted that he had never seen anyone who had as much faith; he granted her request. Her daughter was healed.

From Jesus’ faith perspective, the Canaanites were not part of his community. They were polytheistic so who knows how many gods they worshipped? Historically, Baal was their favorite. This mother did not care that she did not have the correct religious pedigree and she obviously chose Jesus for a reason. She knew what she knew, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me!” (Matthew 15:22) She knew who he was, where he came from, what he stood for.

But did Jesus know her? Or was her identity as a Canaanite a disqualifier? Was she not special enough to receive healing for her kid from Jesus? That was the question. And it appears it was a legitimate question. The healing power of Jesus did not just flow from him like streams of living waters.

What opened the faucet of healing? His wonder at her faith!

On what basis are you doubting that God has you in his hands? By whose standard do you fear you are coming up short? Dear Lord, I hope it is not Facebook!

So while we all cast about on Facebook for good ideas to help us survive our strange and un-ordinary lives, give some consideration to the possibility that there might be another source of strength, another place to run, a God who hears, sees, loves and heals.

Don’t Forget What it Feels Like to Be a Stranger

“Small shifts in how you think make a tremendous difference in how you feel.”

Erica Layne

In my journal of what NOT to do when I got old, I had this little gem in there: Do NOT forget what it is like to not be the cool kid. We moved a lot when I was growing up. Sometimes I’d just be getting my sea legs in one town and we’d be off to the next. I know what it feels like to not be the cool kid. I understand what it feels like to be invisible.

This “knowing” is one of the reasons Pete and I chose to stay in Richmond and raise our kids in the same house. There were options over the years to move but we found a way to maintain this home base. Consequently, I did not get any cooler, but I was able to find my way to the grocery store. I learned to have preferences for which checkout line to slide into. When I walk in my neighborhood I may not know all the names of the people but I recognize most of the faces. It would be easy for me to forget what it feels like to be a stranger, even if I never will know what it means to be cool.

In Mark 10, people were bringing their kids to Jesus for his blessing and the disciples did not like it. They shushed and prodded the parents to take those kids away. Jesus rebuked them. He told them that no one was getting into the kingdom of God UNLESS they were willing to receive the kingdom of God like a little child. And then because he was not the kind of son of God who talked a big game without actually entering into the contest, he blessed those kids.

Kids were not cool in Jesus’ time; they were invisible. Jesus valued them anyway.

So take heart! If you have ever felt like a stranger, uncool kid, or beggar asking for Jesus to bless you - it is clear that Jesus hears you, sees you, reaches out and grabs you in for a big old pre-covid hug.

But also - beware! Beware that in our shift from an invisible person to a loved-by-God human we do not forget what it was like to be on the other side of that invisible barrier.

And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Mark 10:16 NIV

Becoming a Trustworthy Listener

“One of the most powerful truths we can offer our children is the knowledge that we’re ALL still learning. None of us have arrived; we all have room to grow.”
Erica Layne

During pandemic stress management I have done a TON of cleaning up. During one frenzied afternoon I found a stack of old journals. Evidently, I have been more faithful at journaling and praying than I realized! One journal included a list of things I did NOT want to do when I was old. I’m pretty sure when I wrote this list I thought that would be 40.

Now that I am legitimately almost old enough to qualify for the covid vaccine I thought a review of the list was in order. I stopped cleaning and started reading. Here’s my number 1 thing I DID NOT want to happen:

#1 - Never, never ever start to believe, much less say, that I feel like the “kids” today are not respectful enough of their elders. I’m kind of sensitive when “older” folks complain about the younger generation. Why? Because this happens every stinking time one generation gives way to the next! I do not know WHY as we age we tend to grow loose-lipped about our disdain for youth. Early onset dementia, perhaps? Have we forgotten that our generation was assailed as being the WORST. D*^& long haired hippies. Sex crazy maniacs. Draft dodgers…..as I recall, it was a pretty long list. The adjectives have shifted a bit, but this still continues today.

I’m reminded of John 4 when Jesus makes a side trip to Samaria (a place people usually rerouted their gps to avoid) to have a conversation with a young woman who I suspect the elders in the village did not approve of. Jesus teaches us (and her) through the course of a conversation that he knows every single thing about her - even the stuff she wishes no one knew. As a result of this conversation and her subsequent actions, many Samaritans came to believe that Jesus was God’s son. She is the first person Jesus revealed his true identity. He was trustworthy with her secrets; he trusted her with knowing him fully. It’s a fantastic story on so many levels.

This urge we have to be superior - whether it is older, wiser, smarter, more successful, faster, etc., - it does not serve us well. Jesus had every right to pull rank and teach, lecture, instruct, that young woman. What did he do? He entered into a conversation with her. If you read the text carefully, I believe you will find that he initially did two things: 1. Prove that he knew her at the deepest level and 2. invited her to get to know him in that same way. Her receptivity allowed him to proceed to the third: invite her to participate with him in the coming of the kingdom of God.

I wonder if we could be imitators of Christ in this way, listen to one another, learn to trust others with our shame story, learn how to be trustworthy hearing the shame stories of others, could we become part of the solution?