Adjust as Needed

I love traveling through life with my friend Jean because she pays attention to people and she has seen me at my worst. I know I can be a pain in the neck, but she has somehow managed to put up with me without actually making me feel like she is enduring waterboarding as my friend.

Our friendship started with some magical affinity that drew us together but it has endured because we have not let our humanity pull us apart. If you have friends who have taught you that they start fights but lack the courage to actually resolve them, if you have friends who gossip about you - folks, these are not friends. I know it is sad anytime we discover this, but we must live in reality.

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

Do you have any relationships that need to be adjusted?

Troublemakers

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

I grieve the loss of friendships that occur needlessly. Maybe this is just me being old, but it is true, the older I get the more appreciation I have for my friends who have been willing to hang in with my particular brand of humanity. Friendships are precious and should be handled with care. I believe it is the exception, not the rule, for people to know how to manage relationships with respect, dignity and positive regard.

Recently I accidentally downloaded a harlequin romance novel on my audible app. Never again. But I'm a bit OCD about books and once I start one I am compulsive about finishing it. This particular novel had all the elements of a 'good' romance according to novels: a kidnapping (mostly the kidnappers were kind), an undercover police detective (who somehow managed to jump on the boat and stay with the damsel during the ordeal without the kidnappers killing him), and instant love-at-first-sight between the detective and the fair maiden. Whisked off to a Caribbean island (because why NOT go in style) these two were somehow able to carry on their romance in the midst of a hostage negotiation! This involved the detective barking orders, kissing the maiden without her permission and at one point demanding, "Take your clothes off; it seems to be the only way we can have a conversation." Oh boy. And she smacked him numerous times because...why not?

I began to think about all the old movies I had seen where love was portrayed first as a battle. No wonder guys think girls who say no might not mean it! In the movies, the hero can be cranky and rough and demanding and the women swoon. In the Christmas movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is not exactly gentle with his bride when he gets in a mood. Even the Hallmark movies manage at least one scene where an adult, who should know better, might tell a kid, "Hey, he just picks on/teases you/tickles you because he likes you." Learning to tolerate this is called grooming for sexual exploitation, not a lesson in 'how to get a girl'.

This is not love. Fighting is a sign of trouble. Conflict is a normal part of loving but needs to be resolved within the boundaries of respect, dignity and mutual positive regard. Speaking negatively about another person to anyone but that person is gossipy. Now look - I get it. We all unload once in awhile. But maybe we should take more care with that. If fighting and gossip are a habitual pattern, something needs to change. Friendships may need to be relinquished. This does not make anyone necessarily 'bad' it just means that for whatever reason, the combination of personalities is not a good fit. Maybe in the discomfort of needing to break up as friends, people behave badly - this too is normal for folks who lack the skills to gently let things go. Once we recognize that this is the issue, we should back up but I pray we can find ways to do so that extend love.

A Good Friend

A good, true and loving friend is a person who can deal with your humanity. Each of us express our humanity in different ways; our expression of humanity appeals to some more than others. This does not make either party 'bad', nor 'better' if they happen to prefer one brand of human over another. Affinity is a necessary element of choosing one's friends - and it is our right to choose and I would suggest - our responsibility to do so wisely.

Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and - good-bye, friend!

Proverbs 17:9 The Message

Over the course of a lifetime, we test this out and the level of intimacy is adjusted between parties accordingly. These kind of adjustments can be handled better by understanding boundaries. Human foibles are normal and the better we are at dealing with them, the more likely we are to enjoy relationships.

This is NOT the same thing as putting up with behavior that is uncomfortable or disrespectful, undignified or hints at a relationship built on conditional regard. It is true, sometimes in certain ways we are all a bit 'too sensitive' but it is also true that sometimes people are not sensitive enough when it comes to managing a friendship. It cuts both ways.

This is where good conflict resolution skills are needed. It helps if we can learn how to have tough conversations about how we are feeling about an issue while maintaining mutual respect, dignity for all and unconditional positive regard. These three skills alone can go a long way in creating an environment where even the messiest of relationships can be managed.

My grandson is learning that his friend's preference to play with others on a particular day is not personal. How my grandson handles the situation may indeed impact whether or not future play dates are possible. It would be awesome if everyone had the skill sets to state boundaries clearly without making others guess. I believe this is too much to ask of a four year old - but what about us?

As you reflect on your own friendships, is there a conversation that might be necessary? A kindness that needs extending? A boundary that needs to be drawn more clearly? In all things - respect, dignity and unconditional positive regard. Those are the keys if we want to be fully human and decent beings.

Too Many Friends?

The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, but there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

How could too many friends possibly cause us ruin? It's easier than one might think. Here's why. Friendship is hard; if you think you have a ton of friends, you might be misidentifying friendship; it is too hard to be a friend who is reliable and sticks closer than a brother to have but so many friends.

My grandson was telling me last night about his friend at school who he plays with all the time. Yesterday, this friend did not want to play with him. Does that make him an enemy? No! It gave me a chance to teach a toddler about boundaries. Afterwards, I considered how often it seems to me that we adults need to learn this stuff too.

Over the course of our lives we will have many opportunities to explore whether or not a person is a true, loving friend. Their (and our) limitations in the area of friendship is nothing anyone needs to judge. It's not always about whether or not someone is a 'good' or a 'bad' friend. More often, it is a question of discernment - is this person a friend to me? Do they have the capacity to stick closer than a brother? This is a high bar for me because my brother Bobby has set a high bar for my friends. I'm lucky that way.

The trick is to live in reality and not illusion. What does it look like to stick close? Tomorrow we'll explore that topic.

Friendship

The other day Pete and I were out walking and I was talking about friendship. We're at that stage of life, old age, that I now need him to remember things I learn. I share it so Pete can help me remember what I learned and so desperately want to apply to my life but will probably forget. I went on and on about what I had learned about friendship in the last year and he listened in that fully engaged way that I adore.

Later, I came upon this quote: "Proust said that friendship is the lie that we tell ourselves to deceive ourselves that we are not alone. I say that friends, wisely chosen, aid us not only in self-deceit but also in pursuit of self-truth." (p. 184, Accidental Preacher by Will Willimon)

There is value in both the deceit and the truth.

Only the Amplified Bible translation - you know the one - with all its ridiculously frequent "extra" comments of clarification - suits such an important topic:

The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, but there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

I'm the lucky girl who does have a brother who sticks close but I see the writer's point. And although I understand what Proust is getting at with his realization that we are often alone even with friends I kind of like the book of Proverbs and Willimon's frame of reference. When you can find a friend who tells you your jeans do NOT make your tush look like the size of Texas (once you're wearing them and there is no turning back) AND will tell you when your have spinach stuck between your teeth (because this is a problem that can be fixed), you stick close. Lean in. Love well. Because it may be true that we will have dark nights of the soul when we are absolutely, terrifyingly alone, it is also true that there will be glorious times standing under shooting stars in the foothills of Texas and perfect evenings in a tropical land where you apply fresh aloe to Pete's sunburnt feet with the help of your friends while Pete stands in a bathtub wearing Bermuda shorts and a frown.

I may forget what I've learned about choosing friends indiscriminately; but what I hope I always remember is to stick close and lean in - because that's who I want to be when I grow up.