The Cycle Continues…

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book Burnout - the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they explain what this strange thing is and how we can use this knowledge to heal ourselves and support the healing of others. This information has proven helpful to me.

During the pandemic our community shut its doors and went to all virtual meetings for a solid year. During that time, people died and needed burying. Women had miscarriages. Children overdosed. Jobs were lost. Childcare became tricky for working parents. Weddings were planned and then postponed. There was no predictable end date when we could "get back to normal." People held different opinions on how we should approach this problem.

We are a hugging, hanging out kind of community. Many of us attend AA, NA, OA or another A. It's drummed into our heads that connection is key for survival. Zoom does not feel like connection. We are an economically diverse community - not everyone could connect virtually. It was a hot mess. And a chronic stressor. Every morning we woke up to the same chronic stress.

Our families had needs and we could not meet them in the same way we typically address needs. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but when people are really stressed out, their brains do not necessarily connect the dots. Pandemics make everything weird, which is fine so long as life is pretty normal otherwise. But what do you do when the funeral home tells you that visitors are not welcomed or masks are required and your spouse's side of the family believes that masks are the tool of the devil? This really happens!

Enter social appropriateness. A pastor cannot run just because we feel like hiding. A pastor cannot punch a guy in the face just because he calls you an abomination for wearing a mask. But our stress response does indeed tell us to run, punch, yell, kick, bite...survive. (Just so you know: pastors are NOT their job title.)

I remember one time when a guy at a conference I was speaking at tried to touch my breasts by using an excuse about adjusting my microphone. I averted the situation but I did not stop my stress cycle because I was polite. This does not complete the stress cycle.

What are we to do? We have to figure out how to complete the stress cycle or the chronic stress will figure out how to drop us to our knees.

To be continued…

Complete the Stress Cycle…

I often think about what it was like for my grandparents to live during the Great Depression. I understand that we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic, and it is bad, but what about living through a pandemic or war without air conditioning, reliable transportation, the internet, television, or access to food or a paycheck? That must have been brutal. My grandparents considered themselves lucky. Embedded in large families on both sides, among them they figured it out. My grandfather had a paycheck, his cousins had farms. He could give them money and they could supply him with food. Someone usually had some means of transportation for the clan, and they would ferry and barter and deliver goods among them. They survived.

Lately, I've been wondering if in the long run, they might be better off than many of us will be post pandemic because of the way they handled their stressors: they were able to complete their stress cycle. They had a need, they figured out who could meet it, they found ways to return the favor.

During the pandemic of 2020, 2021, etc., can we say the same? Does our stress cycle ever end? We are fighting about different political viewpoints but we are not leaning in and collectively serving one another - even if we disagree. This is not universally true. My friends Carolyn and Linda have put their nursing skills into good use and vaccinated the unvaccinated. My doctor tries to help me make sense of all the conflicting reports about best medical practices for living in a pandemic. My neighbor promised me that if we ran out of toilet paper, her stash was so large that she would share with me if needed. But as a collective, I do NOT think we are completing our stress cycles as the waves of stressors roll over us. We are not being as careful with our relationships as I think the situation warrants. We are escalating rather than de-escalating our stress.

I bet you wonder what a stress cycle is and how you might complete it. Stay tuned. We'll figure it out!

Safety From Stressors

Stressors, whether external or internal, are the things in our life that activate a stress response in our body because our body interprets them as threats. After two hurricanes collectively wiped out over 30 trees in our yard, causing a lot of expensive damage both times, Pete and I view trees as stressors when the wind blows or storms arise. We don't choose this. We read The Giving Tree to our children! We understand that trees are lovely things that provide shade, love one another, and help oxygenate our environment. We KNOW this but our bodies KNOW other things - like how scary it is to hear them crashing around us in the middle of a dark night with no light source to help us see what's happening.

Stress is what happens in our bodies when we encounter one of these threats. It's part of our survival system. Epinephrine takes charge and sends blood rushing to our muscles in case we have to fight or flee. Glucocorticoids provide us energy to persevere. Our muscles tense, our sensitivity to pain diminishes, our body becomes fully alert; we focus on the threat and forego all distractions. We forget that we are mammals but fortunately our body remembers. We have a body that helps us fight for survival.

The only way to complete this stress cycle is to fall victim to the stressor or survive. But this cycle is only completed if the conclusion makes sense. Here is an important key piece of information: we must do something that informs our body that the threat has been removed. We need a signal that indicates we are safe.

Do you have any chronic stressors that you cope with but have not found a way to find safety from?

Reclaim Your Joy

My grandchildren saved my life; it is a lot of pressure to put on newborns, but this is the truth of what happened. Their births awakened within me a profound joy. I remembered. I remembered that life was not all work and no play. I remembered that babies grow like weeds and I would only have them for a few short years before I either descend into senility or they get a hankering for their own kind - their peers.

I realized that I was slogging through my one wild and precious life as if someone had attached heavy weights to all my positive emotions, hopes and dreams. I felt stale and stiff and used up. I looked around and recognized that some of the patterns from my childhood were being replayed in my current day reality. This was not good. I was disgusted with these patterns. I was lonely and hopeless. I was sinking fast. I dreaded trying to go to sleep and dreaded waking up to the chaos, confusion, and conflict that infused not only our world, but my community. I read somewhere that dread is anxiety on steroids. That sounds about right. But what could I do? I did not know and so I did nothing.

I believe that I am responsible for every moment of my life. There is no one to blame or pawn my work off on. My life. My work. I needed to get some help but part of being depressed is that we feel helpless. I knew I had a problem - the loss of joy. That did not turn out to be the problem but it was my starting place and although I did not know what to do next, I did know that I wanted to reclaim my joy. Or maybe find it for the first time.

As you pay attention to yourself, notice if you are receiving any clues that something needs to change in order for you to grow and thrive.

The Little Engine That Could Not…

I used to think I had to be the little engine that could until I realized one day that I could not. I could not keep on with this pattern of living that required me to give without regard for my own wellbeing. Most of us are familiar with Jesus' teaching on "turn the other cheek." As a Christian, I figured this was an important teaching - after all, it shows up more than once in the gospels. It really does SOUND like we are supposed to set ourselves up to be human punching bags in these passages. And, my family system of origin, while completely irreligious in my early formative years, taught me the same thing. I lapped this stuff up like it was melting ice cream on a hot summer's day.

Why? Because if JESUS said turn the other cheek, then maybe I did not need to question the way in which I was parented. I could ignore the unhealthy aspects of my family and focus my attention on doing what I was raised to do - give.

I am not going to try to exegete such an important passage of scripture in a blog. But here's what I'm learning. The world is a violent place and people are not particularly nice. When under duress, they probably are never going to see someone else's position from a place of compassion and empathy. That's a given. It's not personal, it is a reflection of who they are not what you have or have not done.

However, the effect of this violence is devastating. And it is violence. Anytime we are not living in such a way as to communicate positive regard for others and deep respect, it is an assault on each individual's capacity for virtue.

Turning the other cheek, for all that it means and does not mean, may point us in a certain direction for understanding. We need to learn that the world is a violent place and how to handle these constant assaults on our souls. The answer is rarely going to be found within the context of the relationship of anyone who is willing to strike you on your cheek in the first place. Depending on the relationship, it may need to be addressed.

But other times, it simply needs to be acknowledged. That person was violent toward me. I need to turn and walk in a different direction. This does not preclude a relationship but it changes the nature of the relationship in profound ways.

And hear me on this...you do not have to keep giving to that relationship. You can step back. You can give someone else a turn to give to them.

What relationships are you in that are not nurturing? Step back. Re-evaluate. Consider other options. Sometimes we need help sorting all this out. That's ok. Just know that there is something there that needs sorting, and if you do not do so, your body will let you know.