Closing the Stress Cycle with Positive Interactions!

Prior to the pandemic, I (and I imagine a lot of you) had a healthy dose of positive social interaction. I'm not a social butterfly, but life was full and rich with people points of contact. From church to my barista buddies, I had friendly conversations with people, in person, multiple times per day. People who have these kinds of interactions daily are happier because....this helps close the stress response cycle.

The body notices. The brain thinks, oh hey, look, no one is yelling or pulling a knife! All is well! But post pandemic, all is not well. I went to get my hair cut for the first time post pandemic and overheard a woman talking about her lazy pastor because her pastor did not figure out how to do parking lot church. And that lazy pastor was me! Imagine my surprise. (We do not actually have a parking lot; our building is in an office complex.)

The place I go to relax and receive pampering all of a sudden did not feel so safe. And this is a systemic problem for all of us. Family gatherings can be tense for many families, but now we worry about spreading the coronavirus to grandma; our substance abusing loved ones are abusing more, not less; our families are divided red and blue when we all should be pulling together, not apart.

One of the main "stress cycle closing" activities - positive social interactions - has turned into family feud. No wonder we are all so stressed!

What could you do to reduce the stress of another person through a positive interaction? Plan for it! Execute the plan - our collective wellbeing depends on us getting our social wellness back on track!

The Glory of Small Talk

Once in awhile someone will send me a gentle email asking me if I can figure out how to get the gang to stop being so chatty before meetings so that we can get onto the topic at hand. I explain that I am powerless and our routine continues. People chat, even on zoom, and I love it.

Here's why. Casual but friendly social interaction is a signal to our body that the world is a safe place. So in our community, we encourage this inefficient but helpful use of chit chat and companionable sharing because it is one more step in, you got it, completing the stress response cycle.

Even if you personally are not feeling light and breezy, practice making a little small talk today, see how it goes!

Breathing with Intention

As I mentioned in previous posts, my physician, apprised of my situation, continued to be amazed that my bloodwork did not reflect a woman living in high, prolonged stress. But I was indeed living with grief and loss and the kind of stress that made me want to run and kick and bite and scratch. Exercise helped but so did breathing. The practices that I had used for years were mitigating the effects of my stress on my body but I knew it was only a matter of time before my body would break down.

Deep, slow breaths down regulate the stress response especially if the exhale is long and slow. This is not helpful in high stress situations, but it is effective if you are living with the aftermath of trauma. Breathe in, count to five, hold the breath for five, exhale for five...there you go, you just helped move the needle on your stress cycle.

I tend to do my mindfulness practices in the morning. Maybe this is ideal because no one has done anything quite yet to set my ever loving last nerve on edge. But I suspect that anytime is better than not doing it at all.

How often do you breathe in and out with intention?

Exercise the Stress Away!

Once I started paying attention, I realized that I had gotten into my 60's without knowing that I needed to stop my body's stress cycle. I had strategies for survival. I learned how to distract when tensions rose, avoid groping hands without making a scene, navigate families fighting at funerals and more more more. These are excellent survival strategies but they do not deal with the stress itself.

Thanks to our body we have a source of intelligence that allows us access to knowledge about how to complete the stress cycle. When the pandemic hit, Pete and I were so anxious. We made a commitment to walk together every day. It was essential for us to be able to sleep at night and walking helped. Once the weather got nasty we were less willing to walk through rain, sleet or snow; we converted one of our bedrooms to a gym. We worked out religiously.

Little did we know that we were doing the single most effective strategy for completing the stress response cycle! Hurray for us! Here's the deal with exercise: We should complete between 20 and 60 minutes of exercise a day to discharge the daily stress that accumulates. I know we all want buns of steel and six-pack abs, but I am telling you, the most important part of exercise is this: it completes the stress response cycle.

So yes, I had a breakdown. But I also exercised every day and that kept me afloat. I was not myself, no where close to it, but I was able to do a few things that were also helpful in reclaiming my sanity because the exercise was mitigating the effects of stress.

Are you walking? Dancing? Playing pickle ball? Get moving friends!

Freezing for Survival

Yesterday I talked about wanting to run, punch, yell, kick and bite as survival strategies. But there is a second strategy - FREEZE. Freeze is its own unique little bundle of joy. This is the response our body makes when it decides we are too slow to run or too small to fight. It's the "play dead" survival strategy. This is the end of the line for survival strategies.

I have heard the stories over and over. Men and women using their little girl and boy voices to mourn their inaction in the face of abuse as children. They ask: "Why didn't we tell someone? Why didn't I protect my little sister? Why didn't I DO something?" It is unsatisfying and unhelpful so I do not say it, but this I know: if you froze, it was your body making the best choice it knew to make at that time.

If this ever happened to you, I pray you know this. Freezing is our last resort attempt to survive..and if you did this, it worked because you are reading this blog. But...you may still suffer the ill-effects because you know what happened...your stress cycle was not completed.

Afterwards, our bodies still have all those amazing chemicals that we could have used for fighting and fleeing if we had been capable. If our freeze move works, then our body begins to shake and shudder. We do not have a good way to describe this sensation, but it is our body doing what it does. It's the physiological way the body ends the stress cycle. Crying is a good example of this, even if it feels like there is no good reason to cry! There is! Listen to your body!!