What Does Thriving Look Like for You?

I've offered a few suggestions that researchers tell us is helpful when it comes to completing the stress cycle. We give our body what it needs and allow it to respond as needed. Many of these suggestions I have practiced and continue to practice. Most of the time they work; sometimes they were not quite enough.

Here's a suggestion as to how to tell the difference. For people who are aware of their body and its responses, just know. They experience a shift in mood or a relaxation of a physical tension. They feel relaxed.

For me, I had let so much stress accumulate inside me that although I could feel a bit better, I could not resolve my internal stress. I am also not particularly aware of my body and even when I am aware of my anxiety, I assume it is part of my identity and there was nothing that could be done about it except to power through. There came a point when I knew that my little engine COULD NOT keep going. I turned to trusted others for more intense support. (For the record, anxiety is NOT part of my identity!)

These experts in not only surviving but thriving taught me that incremental healing was still making progress. I began to celebrate the small victories and stay mindful of my need to close my stress cycle. This sounds like it took a conversation and a daily fifteen minute practice. It did not. This took years to figure out - over a year of serious work, built upon a foundation of years of other work. It took years for me to come to grips with what my stressors were without making excuses for them and doubling down on trying harder. Today, I notice stressors, I pay attention to how I survive them AND I understand that I need to intentionally find ways to close the cycle by letting my body know that I am not just surviving. This is not some 20 second endorsement, this is the by-product of years of work with small, incremental progress...until one day, I felt the shift. This shift is in my body, but as I said, it was a long time coming.

I repeat: this is not a simple fix. Next, I had to figure out what thriving meant to me. Just me. No one else got a vote. This was the hardest and best part of my Humpty Dumpty self being put back together again.

What about you? What would thriving look like for you?

Casting Away Stress with Creativity

After my mom died and before the pandemic, I took a pottery class. I loved it. I have nothing to show for my hours and hours of work that is tangible, everything I made looks like I created it in Kindergarten. But it was soothing and satisfying and I learned that I like to buy pretty pottery more than I want to make it. I also tried drawing and paint-by-numbers. I'm not destined for a second career in the arts. But this was good for my body. Artists often talk about how their artistic expression is a way they work through past suffering.

What I learned is that it does not require artistic talent to engage in creative activities that give us more energy and enthusiasm.

What creative outlet is possible for you? Go for it!

Cry It Out!

Crying is curative. Dealing with stress may not leave room for crying in the moment. In the middle of a stressful situation, we must cope and deal and solve the problem. But afterwards, we need to make room for a good cry. Crying is an effective way to deal with the situation that causes the stress (close the loop). Remember - coping does not close the loop, it just helps us survive the situation.

A movie or book or other stimulus that makes you cry is an excellent way to help facilitate having a good old-fashioned cry. It is actually guiding our body through the complete emotional cycle. We are not babies when we cry; we are humans who are completing the stress loop!

The Healing of Physical Connection

Sometimes laughter does not work and pleasantries are not enough to support our recovery from stress. This is when we need a deeper connection with a loving presence. During my sorrowful season I relied on a couple of dear humans to walk with me, text with late at night, talk to on the phone when needed. These took a lot of time but my friends were willing to give it to me without condition. My husband gave me long hugs and many "six-second kisses" - a concept we will talk about in a second. My kids visited and did not let me forget I was acting "off" without becoming condescending or nagging. My brother and his family, also suffering, sustained contact and visited.

This point is crucial. There have to be people in your life who allow you to "receive" without expecting anything in return. We need people who allow us to be a "human being" not only a "human giving." We need people who see beyond our job title or their expectations.

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, says that affection on this level is the equivalent of a "six-second kiss." That's a loooonnnnng kiss. His research is around partners, not friends who take long walks with you! But he reports that the kiss tells our body that we are safe with our significant other. Another way to create this atmosphere of affection is with a hug. This is not a quick lean-in hug. This is a sustained hug. If you've watched Ted Lasso (and if you have not you should), in season two there is a long hug after an episode with one of the men and his abusive father. His coach comes in and gives him a HUG. He wraps him in his arms and the character, Jaimie, goes from a stiff-armed robot to a person crying shamlessly as they receive comfort. This kind of hug requires 20-seconds.

Human contact teaches our body that all is good!

Without being creepy and inappropriate, how can you give and receive affection on a regular basis and close that stress loop?

PS. Pets are perfectly acceptable substitutes as is finding "meaning in life" and prayer works too! The goal is to feel a connection outside one's self.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Sophie Scott, a neuroscientist reports that when we laugh, we use an "ancient evolutionary system that mammals have evolved to make and maintain social bonds and regulate emotions." This is not the polite laughter we learn how to employ when a dad tells a joke. This is that laugh-until-you-cry laughter. I remember one holiday meal with the McBeans and Owens; collectively our kids are pretty funny and terribly irreverent. I recall how Pete's mom laughed so often and so long that I could not decide what was more fun - the good company or Marion's wonderful response to the stories and memories shared around that holiday meal. Laughter reminds our body that all is well; it closes that dang loop!

When was the last time you laughed until your sides hurt? How can we get some of that back into our lives?