Finding YOUR Joy!

Without doing my therapy via a blog post, which is really boring and not helpful, let me say this: I found a hard thing to do that fit with what I was learning about myself in therapy. Here's the thing: I needed to find my joy. MY joy. I enrolled in a program that required me to spend money on myself, attend workshops and retreats and write papers and engage with strangers to work toward a goal. It benefited no one but me. It required others to "give" me support while I was "being" a person in search of her joy.

Today, as I write this, I have recently completed my program. In a few minutes, I will push a button (or whatever it requires) and my new website will be launched that will allow me to pursue my same passion in a new and different way. I am pretty darn joyful.

I had many second-thoughts and frustrations along the way. This work required me to dig deep and shift from "human giver" to "human being."

I have accidentally stumbled into the benefits and joys that only came when I was willing to admit that many of my old ways of thinking, doing and feeling were not working for me anymore. Once upon a time, I believe they helped me survive. But I wanted to move beyond that. I want to be a person who thrives.

What's not working for you? What failure do you need to acknowledge?

Navigating Your Growth Path

When I got to the end of my rope and let go, it did not mean I gave up. I continued to practice the things that I ask others to do in recovery - exercise, eat healthily, get sleep, phone a friend, ask for hugs, lean in. But I also knew that I needed MORE.

So I reassessed. I acknowledged how difficult things actually were for me. I told my friends. I spilled the beans to my husband. I even told my kids. This was not natural nor was it voluntary. It was my children who first called my attention to my despair, "Mom, you do not seem yourself." Over and over they said it until I could agree.

Next, I tried to apply what I would tell someone else in my situation. I spent one day in front of a roaring fire with an afghan and a bottomless up of coffee (decaf). I decided that I was standing at a crossroads and although I did not know which road to travel, I accepted that I was staring into the face of opportunity.

I also chose to study the masters, my friends who do hard things well. What I noticed is that the suffering ultimately can be beneficial and I couldn't help but notice that doing HARD things seems to build more muscles than doing EASY things. I want to be strong in a healthy way. I do. I do not want to live with a vague sense that I have somehow allowed myself to be a victim of my circumstances.

So what could I do? Stay tuned. But before you leave, think about who you want to be - do you want to be the person who would rather change their circumstances so that they feel more comfortable or do you want to be the kind of person who is willing to change yourself and shift your goals as needed to continue on a growth path?

Dealing With Despair

According to those very smart, very funny Nagoski sisters, our bodies are super smart. Part of us (they call it the Monitor) understands what our goals are, how much effort we are investing in that goal and how much progress we're making.

My Monitor understood during the pandemic that my goal (to help my community survive a pandemic without losing our collective minds) was requiring extreme effort (the things that foster community were not always possible in a lockdown) and we were not making progress (I am called lazy because I cannot figure out how to create a church environment "like the old days"). This blew all my circuits.

Despair, stress on steroids, became my friend - albeit an unwelcome guest. My pit of despair felt deep and wide. Despite what my Monitor was saying, I also have these core values that continually compel me to do things that my Monitor thinks is crazy. Like refuse to give up.

But I needed more support if I was going to get through this battle. How about you? Have you ever been at the end of your rope?

Moving Toward Wellness

In the Nagoski sisters' book, there is an amazing quote,

"Wellness is not a state of being but a state of action."

When we learn how to move through the stress cycle, we are healing; we are moving towards a lifestyle of wellness.

What do you think you need to start taking action on? What's your next right step?

Get Un-Stuck!

To review, first I had to learn that just because I have lots of strategies for coping with stressors did not mean I knew how to effectively deal with the stress. This was news to me. The book Burnout... by Emily and Amelia Nagoski continues to guide my new journey dealing with both parts of the stress equation.

I am learning how to step away from the situations that cause stress and not stop there! My next step needs to include leaning into and paying attention to my body and emotions. My body knows a lot of stuff that my brain and heart resist, ignore or misinterpret. Our brain, body and heart give us clues, very clear ones, to let us know when our stress levels are elevating. According to the Nagoski sisters, here are some signs to heed.

See how many of these questions you answer with a resounding, "Yes".

1. Am I doing the same pointless things repetitively? (Scrolling through facebook, watching mindless tv, distracting myself with food or alcohol or drugs, texting habitually, etc.)

2. Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? (Drinking too much, self-harm, eating in a disordered manner, sabotaging my dreams with inappropriate behavior, etc.)

3. Am I erupting inappropriately in ways that are out of proportion to the situation?

4. Am I hiding from my life? (Come home from work and watch cat videos while eating ice cream out of the carton, etc.)

5. Does my body feel out of whack? (Chronic pain, constant sickness, infections, inflammation, etc.)

So here's the thing we all need to wrap our brains around. Stress is not bad for us; getting stuck in the stress is what is harmful. It's a cycle; we have to figure out how to move through it.