Making Room…

When we are under too much stress, our body is not built for self-reflection. It has four things on its mind: fight, flee, freeze or fawn. But the body does know how to not only survive but thrive. It's been taking in data for our lifetime and it remembers everything and knows us well. When I devoted myself to my practices at a ninja level in order to avoid a hospitalization, my body had the time to speak to me and I was desperate enough to listen. It told me the truth.

During the pandemic all I could do was think about how I could do more, better, to make up for all that we could not accomplish and provide in lockdown. We found new ways to meet relentless needs. We took advantage of pockets of time and took workshops and classes to strengthen our serve potential. We had to figure out technology. We had to decide how to manage risks while meeting needs. What I did not do was take the time to ask any questions; I just redoubled my efforts. My little engine kept saying, "Try harder." And I did!

But a wonderful thing happened while getting my hair cut. I heard someone call me lazy. It was a breakthrough. Because I had support, I was able to finally say the truth to myself, "That is not true." I am many things, lazy is not one of them. This caused a cascading effect of self-realization. I thought to myself, "If that is not true, what else is not true that I am believing?"

The experience has been amazing. The truth is, I am actually strong. I am courageous. I am a human who can give and receive. I do not have to be perfect, fulfill other people's expectations, or make anyone happy.

So yes, I have quit. I have given up on being pleasing or inspiring or effecting change in a world that desperately needs it. This has left plenty of room for new ways of thinking, feeling, and doing that I do hope will be helpful, but mainly, I know I will enjoy my life and love what I do.

I Quit!

"I quit." It's not like I haven't fantasized about saying these words for years. I have daydreamed about free time and not being the person who shows up when someone overdoses. I admit, I have had those thoughts. But my core values kept tripping me up. I said many years ago that if I chose to walk the path of recovery with others, the one thing I would not do is quit on them. So, I reasoned, quitting is not a thing I can choose.

I was wrong.

I have quit. Not my job, because I love the work. But my breakdown has taught me that there were several things I absolutely did need to quit. None of them had anything to do with my job; they had everything to do with how I thought about my work.

In recovery, I know how easy it is to toggle between two extremes of thought. "I gotta stop using now" versus "I cannot and will not be able to stop using ever." This same extreme way of thinking happens to all of us. There are moments when we assess our goals in extreme ways. "I can do this and you cannot stop me!" versus "I can't do it, I give up, everything is terrible!"

Here are some examples of the dilemma of deciding whether to proceed or quit: Do we want to work on this marriage or get divorced? Should I change jobs or hang in and hope things improve? Should I get sober or try to manage my drinking better? Should I quit school, transfer, or slog onward?

How do we handle the stress associated with competing values? People love to win, but when does the effort outweigh the potential benefits of the continued effort? Of course, we can make a list of pros and cons, long term versus short term benefits and try to be logical.

But many times, our body, brain and heart have more knowledge than we can find on a spreadsheet. Stay tuned.

Don’t Get Stuck!

Another really unhelpful strategy is pretending pain doesn't hurt. If something matters to us, and it is not going well, it should bother us! Denying that we experience stress prevents us from dealing with the stress. I have a friend who has really suffered in recent years. When we chat, she tells me, "I have this! I can handle it! I am fine!"

She is not fine. In the heat of a moment, we may need to say, "I can get through this. I will be fine." This is a strategy for dealing with the stressful situation. But it does not heal the ill-effects of the stress. After the dust settles, we need to circle back around and acknowledge our stress, worry, frustration, rage and despair. Today, I have lost all interest in the stressful situations that drove me over the edge of my capacity to cope.

But there was a time when I needed to admit about how these events affected me. To be clear, this was not what ultimately repaired my heart, mind, and soul. But it was a necessary early step to admit how devastating several key events had been in my life rather than avoid the reality of the situation. I am not talking about endless rumination. That is the opposite of what we need to do, because the body experiences rumination as reliving the trauma. It's like deliberately sticking your finger in an electric outlet expecting not to get zapped.

Here's how to talk without ruminating. Instead of repeating ad infinitum the EVENTS or the faults of the people in the event, talk about how the event made you FEEL, what you thought about said event, and how you reacted. Self-observe. What can you learn about yourself? Using this method, we do not re-traumatize ourselves by repeating a story that - let's face it - everyone already knows. But what we are doing is giving ourselves an opportunity to deal with the stress by taking full responsibility for our life.

What about you? Are you avoiding admitting something that is stressful for you? Are you ruminating over a stressful event? Fine. It's fine wherever you are in the process. Just don't get stuck. Keep walking!

What NOT to Do!

Here are a few things to NOT do when you are trying to figure out how to thrive. First - suppressing stress does not work. I have a lovely friend who keeps telling me how she is awesome at powering through - and I agree with her. But the stress is building and she is starting to have symptoms, none of which she is able to see as stress related. That's ok. Her body will keep talking until she listens!

An example of another tried-and-failed attempt to manage my life is the ever-popular but still ineffective self-talk around being tough. It's when we keep fighting for what we believe is an important principle even though our attempts are failing miserably. This is fine when we are not stressed out. But when we are freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional this is not the time to go to war for our principles. This raises an important point. Standing up for our principles is a core value and often the only thing that stands between good people and evil. Someone stands up against evil, and others benefit. If we want to be a warrior, then it is even more important to handle our stress on all fronts. We do not win when we are surrounded on all sides and stripped of our weapons. On these days we need to ask for help SO THAT we can return to an advocacy role once we recover. I cannot stress this enough. Helpers need breaks. Helpers need to be human beings, even if they get called names in the process. There is no greater stress reliever in the world than to stop caring about what people who do not invest in your wellbeing say about you.

Who are you choosing to be your mirror? Who do you listen to for appropriate feedback?

The Relief of Failure

Perhaps you remember Winston Churchill's quote about failing over and

over with great enthusiasm. This is a mighty fancy reframe of failure that is actually helpful for closing the stress cycle. Once I acknowledged that I was a failure at the very work I had poured myself into for over 20 years, I felt a certain relief, and freedom. My body sighed. Finally. Sounds painful? Yes, it was and IS painful. But not stressful. The stress was when I kept trying to ignore the fact that I am a failure. And trust me, when someone I have known for decades calls me lazy because as a pastor I did not create a parking lot and then host church there during a pandemic - I failed. I failed to communicate what it means to be a Christian and maybe even a pastor for those decades prior to the pandemic. I failed.

During the US Open of 2021 Novak Djokovic was going for a true Grand Slam - winning four Grand Slams in a year and this one was the final jewel he needed to complete his march to victory. During the middle and at the conclusion of the cameras caught him crying. He was not losing after the first set, or the second, he was in the match AND he cried. When he lost, he cried more. Understanding as we do about the stress cycle, Djokovic was closing his cycle with his tears. He described it as a feeling of relief that the pressure was over. I'm sure he was disappointed, but mainly, according to him, he was just relieved. The pressure to succeed was far more stressful than the effort it took him to win, and lose, matches.

I understand. That's how I feel as a failed pastor. It's a relief. I am continuing to fail with great enthusiasm as a pastor. I'm also pursuing a new way of serving that I am excited to try. I could not have taken this course of action so long as I could not admit to my own failings. I have redefined failure for myself as I have stumbled across the surprising benefits of reframing failure as an opportunity. It still hurts; it is still painful; but it is not a waste of suffering. On a teeny tiny scale, like Djokovic, I am relieved that I tried as hard as I could, failed, and can now freely re-evaluate my life choices.

Ok, this is hard. Do it anyway. What's not working for you? Where are you failing? If you need to tell someone, write or call or come over to my house and play pickleball while you unburden yourself by telling me your failings - I am here and ready to listen. I promise. I know you are not lazy.