We Can All Take the Journey

Constructive criticism in the early years of our community's formation was not limited to our visitors with church backgrounds. The local mutual aid societies were not exactly jumping up for joy to hear that a person who was not in recovery from an addiction was facilitating meetings for people who were or wanted to be and their families. I heard it over and over, "We're watching you." This did not feel like a warm endorsement.

"You know, young lady, everyone knows that it takes one to know one. I know you're trying, but you need to get back to big church and bake some cookies. We've got all the drunks and druggies covered." But what about their families? What about the ones for whom the 12-Steps are not working as a recovery path? Fortunately for me, I did not think that I was able to be all that helpful; I just thought somebody needed to do something to try to address these needs in a way that was supportive of those who were struggling.

Over the years we have formed some lovely relationships with the recovery community. After a little hazing, we eventually were granted entrance into the community with a common goal - encourage the hurting people who are searching for answers to a disease that is cunning, baffling and deadly. We must be aware of the danger of thinking that being of service is the equivalent of finding a life of meaning. Service to others can be a slippery slope. It can be condescending. It can also be toxic.

One of the things I learned, sadly, while I was melting down from the stress of my life, was that sometimes people see me as a caricature, not a human. They have ideas about what a pastor "should" do or not do, "should" preach on or not address, on and on and on. My work is to notice that and respond accordingly. These are people I can love and even serve, but these are not the voices that support my being. That's ok, I've got those bases covered. But it is extremely important for all of us, if we are going to close our stress cycles, to get real about who contributes to stress in our life and who mitigates it.

Joseph Campbell, known as the father of the "Hero's Journey" framework, talked about women and their role in such a journey. He said this, "Women don't need to make the journey. In the whole mythological journey, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize she's the place people are trying to get to." Ugh, sorry Joey, no.

Women are not a place; men are not the only gender that gets to embark on a journey. Stress is not created by people telling us what to think, do, believe and feel. Stress builds when we believe what people tell us without trusting what we know about ourselves.

Perspective and Principles

Twenty three years ago, give or take, we began what is now known as Northstar Community founded upon a deep and abiding respect for the principles and practices of mutual aid societies like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. People did not prefer this. People from a faith background and years of church experience came and visited us in the early weeks and months and would often call me with feedback.

"Teresa, you may not have noticed this, but you do not have people stand up and greet each other at the start of your service. You know, this is how we do it in our church because it makes folks feel welcome." It also makes some people feel uncomfortable, especially folks trying to be anonymous.

"Teresa, I came over and you did not have a visitor card for me to fill out. You didn't take up an offering. Would you like me to bring you some cards and maybe get some ushers to volunteer to take up an offering?" I would not, because this is a pilot project and some of these folks are homeless and a few have warrants out for their arrest and no one wants to fill out a visitors card.

"Teresa, these 12-Steps you referred to today. They did not mention God once. What is this nonsense about a higher power? How can you expect me to be supportive of these efforts when those 12-Steps are so anti-God?" Well, actually, the writers of those twelve steps used the Bible to come up with the principles, particularly parts of Romans, 1 Corinthians and the entire book of James. I'm pretty sure the Oxford Group, who early on required baptism before attendance at an AA meeting would be pretty surprised to hear that we judged them so harshly.

Suffice it to say I received a lot of feedback that indicated that perhaps I was doing something wrong. None of this feedback was particularly stressful. Why? Because I was compelled by a strong inner voice that we were forging a path for the OTHER, not someone who had a faith background and years of church experience. I knew there were plenty of churches who had ushers and public greetings, but, as the scriptures say, "...the fields are ripe for the harvest, but the workers are few..."

There were people who did not feel comfortable with greetings and offering baskets and church buildings but they did feel at home in an AA meeting. Folks deserve at least one place in town that is set up for those who are interested in pursuing faith in an environment that respects their particular background. No one was wrong, people were just looking through different lens and coming to different conclusions. Eventually some folks find a church home and settle into it. Others stick around and some simply move on without leaving a forwarding address. Our beliefs and preferences can change. That's not a problem!

In any work we do, we have to make room in our mind, bodies, and spirit for feedback and the preferences of others. It will be easier if we have a strong sense of our own principles and preferences too. It will also help if we are not to stressed out - just in case people are more interested in telling us what they know rather than being curious about what we are learning - which can be frustrating.

If you are going to embark on an adventure, there will always be stressors. What are you doing to deal with your stressful situations and close your stress cycle?

Considering Your Own Preferences

To recap, some stress is inevitable but lots of it is self-imposed. When I was confused about my goals in life, I was chasing after outcomes that were not even relevant to my core values! Individuals discover the source of meaning for them in ways that are completely unpredictable. But the common factor that I notice is that if we stop and listen, we can hear an inner voice of wisdom. This voice is informed from a variety of sources, no doubt about that, we do some self-selecting in terms of what our outside ears attune to which impacts our inner voice. But the bottom line is this: we have wisdom that we often ignore and our body will not let us forget it - hence, stress.

Yesterday someone called me desperate for a meeting to discuss a particular crisis in their life. They preferred that I drive over to their house (50 miles from me) so we could discuss it in the comfort of their home. I told them that I'd send them a zoom link. They countered with an offer to come to my house. I reiterated that I was currently meeting with folks via zoom. They sighed loudly and agreed. I sent the zoom link without a moment's stress. We had a lovely meeting.

Who changed? Me. I cannot tell you how many times I have hopped in the car and driven somewhere to meet someone because it was their preference without considering my own preferences. Considering both is the ultimate in respecting self and others. They could choose not to zoom with me and that would be fine. But I am freed from the weight of my own unreasonable expectations of myself, because these expectations were built on frustrating and inappropriate goals. I believe that a meaningful life includes service but I no longer accept that the totality of my life requires me to serve others without considering my own preferences.

What about you? Do you over-depend on your preferences? Do you ignore your preferences? How can we find a balance?

When is Enough, Enough?

One of the questions I began to ask myself in the face of some pretty harsh conditions was this one: "How much more do I have to do before I've done enough?" This is a great question to ask when we are under a lot of stress, especially if we have wise companions to help us sort out our confusion. "Done enough," might best be understood as thinking about living out our core values and sacrificing for them. This is a good thing; but it can also be quite destructive. The gift of the pandemic and family suffering for me was coming to realize that I was doing the wrong stuff for the right reasons.

If my life and spiritual path and love for scientific data taught me that personal freedom and chocolate cake for breakfast leads to a fulfilling life, then I am quite sure my goals for myself would look different. I would have, perhaps, become a baker who refuses to work according to anyone else's schedule. But this is not what life and the pursuit of faithfulness has taught me. For me, what I happen to believe is that a meaningful life requires that we all find a way to connect to something larger than ourselves. I assume this will be hard and not always fun.

Years ago, I noticed how hard it was for people in recovery or in need of recovery to fit into some of the traditional environments for meaningful connection. I was in a position to participate in changing this dynamic and it felt like a worthy goal to me as a woman who grew up in a family that could have used this kind of community but never found one. I still believe and support this dream.

When I thought my work included helping others find a meaningful life and provide them the tools to accomplish it, I was a failure. And presumptuous too. But once I burned out, I realized that my success was not dependent on convincing others how to do hard things; my truest goal is to be present for people who are having a hard life. My desire is to continue to show up because it is who I am. This shift is seismic. I am not responsible for making it easy for people to be faithful; I am responsible for being a faithful person.

I cannot tell you how much added stress I have heaped on myself over the years because I had this misguided notion that somehow I was supposed to be helpful to people in this particular way. I have quit this life of hoping that if I try hard enough others will try hard too. I do not plan to return.

What If it Works?

Our tendency to redouble our efforts, to love the devil we know rather than explore different options, is caused by the changes stress creates as it relates to decision-making. The more stressed we feel about change, the less likely we are to change.

In the early days of the pandemic, Pete's office went to full on virtual working. Pete has always worked mostly from home, so this was not a change for him. His team had a huge adjustment. They needed to find a place at home to set up their laptops and join zoom calls without revealing their sloppy housekeeping. Folks needed to figure out a mute button so that the barking dog or yelling kids (or spouse) did not disrupt meetings. There was so much complaining! Pete did not understand it. Most of his team had a 90 minute commute each way to work - on a good day. Parking in D.C. costs as much as many people spend on their entertainment budget per month! What's wrong with this picture? Virtual working is awesome according to Pete.

A year later, his team agrees. Productivity has increased. People have figured out that having an extra 180 minutes a day is pretty sweet. Spare bedrooms have become home offices. Parents have more time with their kids even though sometimes there are awkward interactions, like the time someone's toddler appeared in the screen lamenting, "Dad, can you please come wipe my butt?"

When we are afraid and anxious, it is harder to think about making changes. But change can be a blessing. One way to try to shake up your survival instincts is to start asking a different question, "What if this works?"

So...explore! What change have you been contemplating? Flooded with doubt and indecision? Ask yourself, "What if this works?"