Mental Rest is Not Idleness

My grandparents were hardworking people who knew how to rest. They lacked all the distractions that we moderns have. My Papa could not watch all his favorite teams play every game - there was no NFL package for the football obsessed in his day. On a good day his radio would pick up his beloved Reds. It would be static-laden and no one was allowed to speak or make a noise while the game was on. That was fun.

They followed the rhythms of the sun and moon. In the summer they rose early because, without air conditioning in the south, you had to get those chores done before it got to blasted hot to breathe. They went to bed early because there was little to distract them and keep them up late. Plus, they were tired. Things were inconvenient and tiring - laundry had to go to the laundromat. Vegetables came from the garden not the Winn Dixie.

We have become out of sync. Our brains are on overload. We need to figure out how to rest more, daydream, and allow our brain to go into its default mode network. I know you are curious; what is this default mode network? It is when our mind is wandering that the default mode network goes into gear, assessing our present state and planning for the future. We're not aware of this work, but it is vital for wellness.

This is such new research that most of this function is a mystery; but what we do know is fabulous. People who toggle into default mode are more creative, socially skillful and happy. Mental rest is not idleness.

This was the gift of the pandemic for me. Grounded at home, I could work for an hour or two and then go fold clothes. I could go back to work and then run downstairs and throw food in the Insta Pot. I could work for an hour or two and do a workout. This is an ideal way to live, and I do not plan to change this post-pandemic. When we walk away from a task, we are recruiting our entire brain to keep working on the task while our body gets a good stretch in.

The enemy of default mode networking is boredom. Boredom is not our friend; our friend is a thing we will talk about tomorrow - active rest.

What Have You Survived?

I am a sucker for a good song. So when the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" pour out of my speakers, I sing along. I love that song. But sadly, it is not true. What doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you. That's all we can say about that.

However, if we survive, we have a chance to rise again. What makes us stronger is not surviving, it is learning how to recover from a near death experience. Riding the adrenalin of survival is like a roller coaster with no end in sight and inevitable motion sickness.

Give this some thought and consider - what have you survived?

Choosing the Right Connections

Stressed out people often have an unmet hunger for connection, and may go looking for connection in inappropriate places. Sometimes, it's all about availability. Other times, we are not making wise choices. Who knows all the reasons we settle for relationships that do not satisfy our need for trust and authenticity?

Here are some signs to look out for:

1. If you keep asking yourself, "Am I crazy or is this inappropriate/wrong, etc.?" Find trusted advisors for a reality check, but chances are, if you are feeling crazy, someone may be gaslighting you. (Gaslighting - when someone persistently puts forth a false narrative so that you will doubt your own perceptions.)

2. If you feel "not enough." None of us are enough; we are not supposed to be enough. We are fully human. If other people keep sending you the message that you are not enough, you need new peeps! Who are our people? People who see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities and love us because of them! Our people are the ones who do not expect us to "meet expectations." Our people are not in denial, they are just not demanding. Find your people!!

3. If you are sad. Sadness is the canary in the tunnel we watch out for. Sadness is the signal that we need to reach out and grab a hand for support.

4. If you are filled with rage. Rage is telling us to pay attention. Instead of using it for evil, find people who can help you use it for fuel to create safety and security for yourself or others.

Your Circle of Trust…

One of the hardest things for me to accept while I was trying to repair my broken self was the idea that people I love are not always trustworthy. I am the kind of person who takes a little time to decide if I can trust someone, but once I make that call, I am ALL IN. I never re-evaluate. This has caused me great distress.

To avoid having to re-evaluate relationships, I had this bad habit of making excuses for people and requiring more of myself in some relationships. By all outward appearances, it seemed that in some relationships, I would do all the "giving" and someone else was allowed to do all the "being." I rationalized this as being kind. It is not kind. It is unhealthy.

To find my way back to joy, I had to step over some dead bodies and just let them lay there. I had to do an appraisal. I had to think back and remember - is this relationship both authentic and trustworthy...or is it not. In order to thrive, we all have to make some tough calls. Some people we just have to let go of - even if we really like them, even if we understand why they are behaving as they are, even if we love them.

We must keep walking. Once we have assessed and determined this is our course, we do not ruminate over the past, we use the past to propel us forward with new tools for building and nurturing relationships.

Here's why: relationships, trusting and authentic ones, are crucial for mental health. We cannot live without them. But we need to be selective. Some people need to be let go, others need to be moved to the outside of our circle of trust. This is not judgmental, this is using discernment. This is not saying someone else is bad and we are better, it is acknowledging that, for whatever reason, we are not a good fit for one another.

Do you find it as hard as I do to admit that not everyone is our friend?

Becoming Sensitive To Insensitivities

Brenè Brown tells a story about moving to a new school and only getting invited to the black kids birthday parties. Why? Because her given name did not sound "white" enough. Weird, right? Here are ways that we struggle and cope with unfairness:

1. We develop the inability to feel compassion because we. just. can't. do. it. anymore.

2. We minimize or excuse the suffering.

3. We feel helpless and responsible and stressed out but do not DO.

4. We stay in a bad situation because we feel like we are Jesus and it is required of us and no one else should have to endure this torment.

Notice that these are not helpful and they increase our stress and the stress of others. We need to learn to DO something different. To be continued...

In the meantime, where have you been insensitive? When have others been insensitive toward you?